


Open doors

by Mastre



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avenger Loki, Avengers Tower, F/M, Loki Does What He Wants, Massage, OC does what she wants, POV Third Person, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Protective Tony Stark, Reader does what she wants, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:10:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 36,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mastre/pseuds/Mastre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you like quirky people, the Avengers Tower may be the right place to live, but what do you say to a "god" who's gone out of his way to destroy your world as you know it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I'm playing with, it may or may not get serious over time. I like the idea of an OC with empathy/healing powers, which doesn't mean that my different stories are in any way related to each other: they are completely separate. And, as usual, there is minimal physical description of my OC, so you can read this as a reader/Loki story no problem. Also, this is not very compatible with AOU, since I like JARVIS too much. Please enjoy!

She came back to the tower and there he was. Right in her way, right in Tony's lounge, reading. Wearing normal clothes. Looking disturbingly harmless compared to the footage she'd seen and the reports she'd read. Yet there was no mistaking who that face and that raven black hair belonged to.  
So what do you say to a "god" who's gone out of his way to destroy your world as you know it?  
"Hello,"?  
He looked up, serious, guarded, but not otherwise readable. Introducing herself, she said:  
"I take it that you are Loki? Any chance Tony is around?"  
He measured her with narrowing eyes, then made a gesture towards the stairs. She smiled awkardly and went.

On the way back he was still there, but not looking up. She wondered for a moment why he was parked there, of all places. Tony didn't have more reason to trust him than anyone else, for sure. Maybe it was about establishing territory.

She kept thinking about it as she went about unpacking in her own quarters. It felt a little weird to be back and even weirder to realise that _he_ was going to be around from now on. "Cooperating against common enemies" as it was worded, Loki had a skillset that would be useful enough if you had him on your side. If you could trust him to stay on your side, that is. Nobody seemed too sure about that part.

He was unpredictable, she understood. It was mainly Thor's assurances that had made the arrangement possible, and they only carried so far. Some people had very personal reasons to mistrust Loki, and if he was sincere it would take a long time for him to prove it.

The whole thing had seemed like a rather abstract idea before, but now she'd actually seen him she wondered how this was going to work out in reality.

\---

They did not trust him. At all. It was akward whenever he showed up; everyone on edge, eyes immediately on him if he made a sudden movement. And of course he made sudden movements just to trigger their reactions. The smirk was subtle, but perfectly recognizable. The god of mischief was having fun.

He never sat near the others. Usually he was standing against a wall with crossed arms or sitting somewhere else in the room, keeping his distance when they were gathered, but his green eyes observed everything. He didn't speak much either, like he didn't find these petty mortals worthy of attention beyond what was absolutely necessary.

Yet, he had a way of showing up near other people's living space just like the day she had found him on Tony's couch. Casually he would place himself where you would walk in on him and he would either ignore you or give you a long unsettling look as you passed. Establishing territory indeed. 

\---

She wasn't that integrated in the group herself. Partly because she was a loner, partly because she wasn't an avenger. Tony was the reason she was living there in the first place. When he had found out what her neighborhood was like he had offered her a small apartement on one of his floors, claiming that was much safer. Of course that was before a certain alien demigod moved in and theoretically made the tower one of the most unsafe places in the city.

S.H.I.E.L.D. had encouraged the arrangement. They found her abilities very interesting for some reason, and kept calling her in for research studies and experiments. Like she was the only empath with healing powers. Sometimes she had a dark suspicion that they saw other potentials than healing in her gift, but she pushed those thoughts down as much as possible. She needed the money.

Tony was someone she had grown very fond of very quickly, and she enjoyed his company when he didn't go over the edge, being totally obnoxious. She'd always had a thing for quirky people, and the Avengers tower had it's fair share. People came and went, gathered for meetings or missions and, occasionally, even for a bit of fun and relaxation. Less of the latter since Loki took up residence on one of the floors though. Thor was usually around to keep an eye on him, but it only marginally eased the tension. There was too much baggage for anybody to take the present situation lightly.


	2. Inappropriate actions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how you create a reputation for yourself.

It all started that day when she noticed Loki rubbing his neck with an annoyed expression on his face. He was trying to focus on whatever he was doing, unsuccesfully. Something bothered him, and it was obvious what.

"If you want help with that feel free to ask", she said without really thinking about who she was saying it to. It was one of those inappropriate things that slipped out of her at times and she didn't realise just how much until the words were said. And then it was too late to take them back.

_Whoops!_

He gave her a look that was utterly condescending and suprisingly said: "By all means: Do try!" 

She would never know if he just thought she wouldn't dare touch him or if he was planning to mess with her in some way, but she took it as a challenge and stood. Walking up to him she made her face blank and her hands steady. This might be a little closer than she had planned to be to this particular person, and his eyes were... unsettling... as they followed her movements.

Carefully moving his dark hair out of the way, she put her hands on his neck. He was cooler to the touch than expected.  
"Of course I've never done this to an Asgardian before", she realised. "But I hear you're less tenderskinned than most people."  
Loki didn't dignify that with an answer, but allowed her to begin working on his neck with skilled fingers. Knowing that men like him and his brother could be thrown through walls and still stand up afterwards she had to wonder if he even felt what she was doing. At least he didn't complain, and she was _pretty_ sure he would have pointed it out if he wasn't pleased. 

Actually he seemed to enjoy it; she sensed a hint of relaxation. 

The situation should have been akward, yet it wasn't. She'd always found it easier to communicate through touch than through words (which was why she usually connected better with animals than with people), but there was still the matter of who he was. Not your average person, or even close to it. He had lived about a thousand years...

_I won't even try to wrap my head around that._

... and he had an enormous potential for destruction. Yet all he did was to lean his head forward, close his eyes and let her work that stubborn painful spot that appearantly had bothered him so much in the first place.

\---

They did start to talk after that. Only a few words at a time and only when they met casually; they didn't seek each other out. But the ice was broken and it did become more natural to speak to him than before. He also turned out to have a sense of humour that she agreed with; a sarcastic wit he sometimes let show when irritation and contempt didn't dominate his demeanor. 

Eventually he asked if she would do the massage thing again... a bit more?

So she found herself in his bedroom, on her knees on his bed, and moving her oiled hands over his very naked back in slow, deliberate motions. And he seemed to enjoy the hell out of it. However guarded he seemed under normal circumstances, he shamelessly sighed with pleasure when she squeezed his muscles, and flexed his hands like a cat with a soft cloth under it's paws. It was remarkable. 

And then there was a knock on the door and Thor walked in.  
"Brother, we need to talk...", and he stopped right there, taking in the scene, and what went through his mind was clearly visible on his face. As opposed to Loki, Thor was never good at hiding what he was thinking, and what he was thinking right then and there was obvious.  
"I...will be back later." And he was gone again, door carefully closed.

Loki actually grinned, and she herself had to struggle to keep from laughing. As disturbing as the situation should have been, it was hilariously funny.  
"So now I have a reputation", she concluded. "I'm the one who got a little too intimate with the god of mischief."  
"Indeed", he replied drily. "Though I doubt my so-called brother will tell anyone."  
"That's a relief, I suppose. Are you expecting anymore visitors, by the way? Just so I'm prepared."  
"I wasn't expecting anybody", he announced with more than a hint of annoyance in his voice. 

She kept working on him in silence and he relaxed again. Then...  
"Are you attempting to heal me?" He sounded suspicious.  
"No", she answered honestly. "Not consciously anyway. I tend to ask permission before doing that. Why?"  
"I was merely wondering. You are quite good at this. For a mortal."  
"You had to add that mortal bit in the end? Couldn't just say I was good," she retorted and squeezed harder. He didn't flinch. 

Asgard was a warrior culture. Of course the princes would have had their muscles massaged after battle training and all, but Loki had left that world behind. Over time she began to suspect that this was a part of it that he might have missed and therefore intended to indulge in, shamelessly and sensually. Though it was strange to watch the contrast to how he normally conducted himself, it was fascinating as well. Like she saw a side of him nobody else had access to.

\---

Thor approached as she was headed for the elevator and she measured the distance she had left to the doors. She could make a run for it... Instead she sighed quietly and turned to wait for him.  
"I did not mean to intrude." he began awkwardly.  
"There was nothing to be intruded upon. I was just giving him a massage. It's not... there's nothing weird going on." He didn't look convinced. She realised that the very idea that she was willing to be alone with Loki in private was weird enough. That she had been touching his half-naked body was flat out bizarre. She would be so _dead_ when this got out among the others.

"This is of course a private matter between you two..." She winced at his wording. "... I only wish you to be careful in your doings. My brother is not always... completely stable."  
"I know that. Don't worry about it."

Despite everything the massage session had been a sucess and they ended up repeating it at least once a week. And, what do you know, she even started looking forward to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My daughter read this chapter and she said: "Mum, this is you. This is just how you are." She knows me too well.


	3. Scandalous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat is out of the bag and everyone's shocked.

"She does what?" Steve's voice was incredulous.  
"You heard me. She gives him massages."  
"You have got to be kidding me!" Clint was appalled more than anything.  
"Nope! Never been more serious in my life."  
"Loki? Massages? Is she nuts?" Steve still struggled with believing what he'd just been told.

Tony threw his hands in the air. There was no answer to give, no theory to even begin to explain this fucked-up situation he wished he had never learned about in the first place. The mental image would forever haunt his nightmares. He knew this woman as a sensible, intelligent and caring person, with a slightly overbearing sense of political correctness. She didn't shy away from talking to anybody, that was true, but there was a huge step from _talking_ to the smirking demigod slash ex-villain to... what she was actually doing.

"Thor has confirmed it too. He walked in on them."  
"Doing what exactly? Strike that, I don't want to know." Clint looked like he was about to be sick. He still hated Loki with a passion and made little attempt to hide it.  
Steve was slowly shaking his head.  
"Where would she get the idea to... Why would she even begin to do something like that?" Tony made a face.  
"Don't ask me! She claims it just happened."  
"How does something like that just happen?" Clint exclaimed. "Did she fall over him and accidently started to... Jeez! I don't believe this."  
"She says that there is no 'happy ending' or anything funny about it." Tony assured, though not feeling totally convinced himself. "Apparantly she took massage courses years ago, and it's all very professional, though why she picked him of all people to practice on I haven't the slightest." He honestly didn't. It went against every fucking inch of logic and common sense he prided himself to have.

"He must have... made her do it somehow." Clint concluded.  
"He doesn't have the means to mind control people anymore." Steve reminded him.  
"How do we know that? We don't know half of what he can do! He should never have been allowed here in the first place."  
"Is there something wrong with her?" Steve asked, frowning, like he was actually considering that option. That made Tony sharpen his voice:  
"The only thing wrong with that woman is that she has too big a heart. We'll just have to look out for her."

\---

Yep, it took exactly three days before the cat was out of the bag. Thor claimed his innocence, and she believed him, so most likely the news had come through JARVIS. Had it been Loki they would not have believed him, and he had little reason to spread rumours anyway.  
This was going to be akward for a long time forward, she suspected. Especially Tony's concern was annoying to the point of being intrusive.

_"You only did it once, right? You don't need to do it again."_

_"Look, if the guy want massages so badly I can hire someone to come here and do them. There is no reason for you to go near him."_

_"Did he... convince you in some way? Threatened you... manipulated...?"_

She wanted to yell at him to shut up and stop being ridiculous, but it didn't feel fair. He had his own history with Loki and the whole battle of New York thing. She even gave him healing sessions to combat his PTSD, and he had shown her the window Loki had thrown him out off that frightful day. The threat was very real to him, as well as to the others. Bucky was the only one who didn't have personal history with Loki, but he was close to Steve so he knew all about it.

This was not going away anytime soon. She just had to suffer through it.

\---

It turned out that Loki had his fair share of confrontations as well, and he seemed torn between annoyance and amusement at their reaction.

"I did not expect them to be quite so... interested in our dealings." he said.  
"No? Welcome to Earth. Where everybody is a busybody." She sighed. "It's going to take a while for this to blow over."  
"I take it you'd be unwilling to do another of these sessions."  
"Hell no! That's not for others to decide. It's not even their business." He looked surprised.  
"Well then. I will let you know when I require your service."

He _could_ have put it a different way. _"Require your service."_ Did he use condescending language just to piss her off? Spoiled royal son of a... Of course, he took delight in annoying the others; why would she be any different? It was all a game to him, keeping people on edge one way or another. Whatever could be said about Loki and his antics; he was not boring to be around.


	4. Making the world better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More warnings and some insight.

"Bruce! When did you come back?" He blushed slightly at the hug and the kiss on the cheek.  
"I just arrived actually. I hear things have been interesting here, Loki settling in and all that."  
"Oh, you have no idea." She filled him in while accompanying him to Tony's workshop. He took things pretty well, all things considered, but didn't completely hide his concern about her actions.

"Are you sure that's a wise thing to do?" he asked doubtfully, but didn't question her sanity or judgment. That was a relief. She was beginning to feel weary of all the suspicion and fuss she recieved from the others. Bruce was not so easily carried away.  
"I like to think I know what I'm doing... Tony! Your science bro is here."  
"Great!" Tony appeared, smiling, with ruffled hair and a black smear across his face, while wiping his hands on a rag. "You're just in time. I will show you this new idea I'm working on..."

She left them to catch up and returned to her original mission; the freezer in the central kitchen. She didn't keep ice cream in her own apartement for reasons of self preservation. The longer she had to walk for it the less risk to overindulge.

As she was looking through the options a cool, collected voice came from behind her.  
"Do you know what to do if he attacks you?" Right, there was still someone who hadn't offered their view on the massage situation, and since Clint knew... there was only a matter of time before _she_ knew.

She closed the door and turned to face Natasha. There was clearly not going to be any ice cream today. The universal forces had conspired against her.  
"From what I understand there isn't much one can do." she answered, meeting the spy's penetrating gaze.  
"There isn't. JARVIS would alert us if something happened, but we wouldn't get there before he breaks your neck. Or worse."  
"Thank you for not being overly graphic."  
"You're welcome."

\---

She was watching Loki from a distance as he was absorbed in a book, serious face, a lock of his black hair curling over his shoulder. There was nothing intimidating about the image. Nothing that would give you nightmares. Nothing that would make you want to run and hide.

_What's it like to be so deadly that even Natasha fears you? That everybody's on edge and ready to warn against you?_

The last conversation was what had really gotten to her. It had chilled her to the bone. But Loki had no reason to attack. He didn't fake taking pleasure in her massages, so why would he risk losing something he clearly enjoyed? Scare her maybe, mess with her to show dominance and all that, but hardly anything worse. It wouldn't make sense.

"I hear you have been busy," came Bucky's voice to her right. She turned and caught a glimpse of his barely visible smile.  
"Are you gonna start on me too?" He shook his head, but the almost smile didn't go away. He seemed amused more than anything.  
"Nah... but you stirred things up quite a bit. If that was your intention."  
"It wasn't! I would have kept this private if it had been up to me." She groaned. "Everyone's so damned concerned I feel like I've turned into a llama with two heads." Bucky rarely laughed, but he looked even more entertained than before. He shrugged.  
"Just watch out and don't piss him off, you should be fine. It's not like the rest of us haven't bloodied our hands in the past. Or for the wrong reasons."

Yes, he had a point there. Most people she knew nowadays were more than capable killers, and more than one could be described as volatile. Including some individuals she really liked. Loki wasn't necessarily that different.

\---

The next time she was alone with him all the cautions and comments buzzed in the back of her head. She didn't allow them to distract her but they kept surfacing.

_Do you know what to do if he attacks you?_

He certainly didn't look dangerous now, lying splayed on the bed with closed eyes, but subtle indications were right under the surface. Iron hard muscles, scars in various places. She could sense some of his emotions too and they were... not as relaxed as the body under her hands. She felt a shift though; things calmed down as the minutes passed, tension dropping to a lesser level, just never completely leaving. 

But he was enjoying himself. She could sense that too. And she liked that. It was rewarding to bring pleasure to someone else, to make them feel good, even in a small way. That's why she liked this, she realised. Just like she liked healing people. Making the world a little better, lessening someone's discomfort, encourage their wellbeing. That was worth being inappropriate and breaking the rules. To be honest she'd never cared much for rules anyway.


	5. A touch of arrogance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki may have an attitude problem but he's not totally contradictory.

Loki slowly started spending an increasing amount of time in her company. It was a very subtle change, over the course of weeks or months. He would show up at her place, mostly in the evenings, where he would stretch out on her couch and either read something from her overloaded bookshelves or just rest in thoughts with an arm over his eyes.  
She grew used to having him there, feeling oddly comfortable in his presence.

It shouldn't have been so, but she started to feel more relaxed in Loki's company than in anybody elses, and that feeling seemed to be mutual. She couldn't begin figuring out what was going through his head, but she was sure he didn't act this way around any of the others. With them he was the same smirking, condescending and often impatient bastard as always.

Thor had had a serious conversation with him about attitude, which had escalated to a screaming match in the common kitchen and a minor thunderstorm outside. The repairs needed could be kept to a minimum however, and Tony had apparantly planned to replace the coffeemaker with a new model anyway.

\---

"You are like the angels in 'La guerra de los cielos'." she stated one day.  
"And what is that?" Loki asked, paying slightly more than minimum attention.  
"It's a book series I read when I was learning Spanish," she explained. "A worldwide disaster happens,breaking down the boundaries between worlds. Entire continents disappear in a mysterious fog and the city of London is thrown into eternal winter. The celestian and the infernal angels resume an ancient war with humans caught in between."  
"I see..." he said, not overly interested judging from his tone.  
"Those angels are immortal," she continued. "...and they view humans as lesser beings. Because our life span is shorter we can't have any real insight or understanding of things."  
"Naturally." She ignored the obvious provocation and went on:  
"The thing is... when you keep reading you discover that those angels are driven by the exact same motivations and emotions as we are. There really is no difference! They're just too blinded by their own arrogance to see it."

Now she had caught his interest and he finally looked at her.  
"And with this you are saying...?" This time his tone had a slight warning to it; _Watch your words carefully!_  
"That there probably are a lot more similarities between our peoples than there are differences. You're just not seeing it yet." He looked doubtful, or maybe he just didn't want to admit that she got him thinking, but the seed was sown and maybe, just maybe, it would get him off his high horses a bit.

Annoying as it could be, his haughty stance wasn't a big problem. She saw less of it over time, and he usually treated her respectfully enough. When someone got on his nerves though...

\---

"I do not appreciate being touched." he stated firmly, after a situation in the common area. That seemed contradictory at first, so she had to adress it.  
"So why do you let me massage you , then?"  
"Because _that_ is predictable," he answered like that should have been evident.  
Of course! A massage was prearranged, it followed set rules. You knew what to expect and the recipient was in control. It was the perfect way to recieve touch if you didn't like surprises or intrusiveness.

What had happened earlier was that someone got a little too close, accidently (noone but her or Thor would touch him on purpose), and shoving and murdering stares had ensued. No, Loki clearly did _not_ appreciate intrusion into his personal space. 

She sensed it wouldn't be wise to prod deeper into this subject, though she was curious, so she continued on a lighter note:  
"I like touch. It's a more natural way to communicate for me. With people you have to find the right words to say, subjects to talk about. With animals you can just scratch an ear to make contact. It's so much easier."  
"I would not recommend scratching my ears," he said drily.  
"I wouldn't dream about it,"she replied with a straight face.

This was an interesting conversation. Loki was very much a mystery, since he didn't share much about himself, and it was a rare treat that he volunteered information without it benefitting him in some way. She found hersef increasingly intrigued.

He was also full of contradictions, but the issue of touch had only seemed contradictory on the surface, so maybe there were more things that made sense only once you found the underlying logic. She watched him discreetely as he was sitting next to her.

_Why am I so fascinated by you? I can't let go of this... need to know more. Who are you really?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> La guerra de los cielos/ War of the heavens by Fernando Trujillo Sanz. The books are violent, but also very difficult to put down once you start reading. And they have fascinating characters.


	6. Rescue mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony goes a bit overprotective as an old neighborhood is revisited.

"Shit!" Tony said. The others looked up.  
"Are you referring to what you look like right now?" Clint asked, voice casual. He was standing as far away from Loki as physically possible. Tony ignored him.  
"Empath girl has decided to go back to her old neighborhood to pick up some stuff. I told her I'd get her a car and a driver but now she's appearantly gone off on her own."  
"She's a grown woman," Natasha reminded. "You know by now she can't be talked out of doing what she wants."  
"She's not using her bike again, is she?" Steve asked, frowning. That would be quite a long ride. Tony shook his head, then quickly stopped when he felt his headache intensify. It was like having Thor's hammer flying around in there.  
"Subway, probably. As stubborn as she is it's going to get her into serious trouble."  
"I can't imagine why she wants to be friends with you, Tony." Natashas voice cut through the room, calm but pointed. "You don't seem to have anything in common." Clint snorted. He glared at them, but didn't retort.

"I'm going to get myself some coffee and then I'll just go and pick her up myself."  
"You don't look like you should be driving," Steve observed, sounding concerned. "Have you slept at all?" Tony made a dismissive hand gesture and turned to go get his coffee, careful not to move his head too much.  
"I'd better come with you," Steve announced, standing up. In a second Loki stood next to them, not having made a sound as he walked across the floor. Tony lifted his hands, grateful for not having to put up with an argument at least.  
"Alright, alright, if there are three of us she probably won't be killing me first."

\---

"I don't see her..." Steve said as they stopped. Tony pointed at a building.  
"She used to live around the corner there. She's probably still... No hold on, there she is."  
Across the street they found who they were looking for. She was talking vividly to a small group of scantily clad women while holding a cardboard box under her arm.  
"Are they...?" Steve asked hesitantly. Tony nodded, amused at his discomfort, and immediately regretted it. The pounding in his head was not getting better, quite the opposite. He didn't like the environment, he didn't like the looks people gave his expensive car, and he didn't like someone he cared about being back here when he had worked so hard to convince her to move away in the first place. Two burglaries in a week, it would only have been a matter of time before she was attacked herself.

_And once safe she goes and give massages to a former supervillain. Is she seeking these situations out on purpose?_

"What do you say, Steve: want to go and get her?"  
"Me? Why should I go?" Steve looked taken aback, uneasily eyeing the women at the corner across. Their chosen profession was obvious from miles away.  
"I'm in no hurry to get my head ripped off; she might go easier on you. By the way, if you refer to the ladies make sure you call them 'sex workers' or she will give you a 15 minute lecture in politically correct language." Steve looked at him questionably, but didn't get a chance to ask before he noticed Loki already crossing the street. They both glanced at the empty back seat.  
"Did you hear him leave?"

\---

"Is that really a woman?" Steve suddenly asked, frowning while trying to get a better look.  
"Yeah about that.... It's another thing you probably shouldn't say where she can hear you." Tony wished he had more coffee. This was the morning from hell.

Loki had reached the other side, causing quite a stir among the ladies.  
"They're not used to Norse gods around here," Tony concluded.  
"So, she doesn't seem upset with him..." Steve observed. "Maybe she doesn't mind that we're coming to pick her up."  
"You don't say... Did you ever see her upset with _him_? She's saving it for me. Just wait."  
"Why do you care so much anyway?"  
Tony sighed.  
"I just do, okay? She is kind and... she cares about people. You don't see that too often."

\---

She was back finally, opening the car door and sliding into the back seat. Loki handed her the box before taking his place next to her and she put it in her lap.  
"What is this? she asked sarcastically. "A rescue mission?"  
"Just your friendly taxi service, ma'am."  
"You're ridiculous, Tony. And why are you wearing sunglasses; it's not even sunny?"

As they passed the women at the corner she waved through the window.  
"Friends of yours?" Steve asked cautiously.  
"Acquaintances, mostly. I used to pass by here almost every day. You get to know people."

The drive home was mostly quiet. She and Loki were discussing the contents of the box in low voices, and Steve seemed lost in his own thoughts. Tony was grateful. He knew he would be chewed out for his overprotectiveness, but the longer that could wait, the better. Silence was his best friend right now. And coffee. Or maybe a bed. Or perhaps some soothing alcohol first, then bed. No, it was too early, Pepper would kill him. Only bed then.

\---

"I can't believe it took three people to come and get me." she said, taking items out of the box. "Don't you all have better things to do?" Loki was sitting on her bed, following her every move.  
"Stark made it sound like you needed assistance." She made an exasperated sound.  
"I lived there for almost three years, and I was fine. He just freaked out because someone broke into my apartement."  
"That is why you moved here?"  
"Indeed. I'm not complaining; I like it here, but it's not like I'm risking my life going back for a few hours." She looked at a black T-shirt with a hissing cobra on the front. "This is really a man's size. Do you want it?" He accepted the garment to take a closer look.

"You were friends with the people there?"  
"Some of them. There were others who hated my guts. There's a lot of bigotry in this country and when you're different..." Her voice trailed of as she was flipping through the pages of a book. "I'm so glad I hadn't actually lost this."  
"So your... landlord kept these items for you?"  
"Yes, and that was very sweet of him. Some people would just have thrown the stuff out. I'm hopeless at keeping track of my things."

She didn't notice the look in Loki's eyes as he was watching her; a mix of interest... and something that he wouldn't exactly call fondness, but there was something about this woman... She was not like other mortals, she had something in her spirit that made her attractive to be around. He would have to figure out what it was.


	7. City trip with chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are consequences to being silly.

"This is what you use for transportation?" he asked, eyeing her bike curiously.  
"Yep," she said. "You don't get stuck in traffic, and you can go places a car can't. Very handy."

They were in the elevator, on their way down. Loki had insisted on accompanying her for some reason, but she suspected he'd be bored before half her errands were done.  
"You're sure you want to come along?"  
"Why would I not?"  
"I don't know, because I'm just going to buy a few things and it won't be the most entertaining afternoon of your life."  
"I'm sure it will be more entertaining than thus far." he said with annoyance tainting his voice.  
"Right, the meeting."

She had not been there, but appearantly there had been an Avengers meeting earlier and noone had come out of it looking happy. 

Once outside they started walking at a leisurely pace, she leading the bike. She was not concerned that Loki would be recognized; the general public had never got a good enough look at him. It was weird imagining this man leading an army into the city, hellbent on destruction and conquering. She knew better than to bring it up, but one day she would find the courage to ask him why.

"Why do you go out to buy things?" he asked. "I believe Stark can order everything you need through his A.I., and have them delivered."  
"It's called independence," she answered. "You know how there are things you experience in childhood that ends up defining the rest of your life?" He looked thoughful, then gave her a nod.  
"I didn't have much independence," she continued. "Or freedom, for that matter, so it's very important to me now. I need to do things for myself once in a while, or I panic."

He looked at her, then walked in silence for a bit. Judging from his expression he was absorbed in thoughts, and she wondered what it was she had said that made him so focused.

They made four stops, the final one to buy Belgian chocolate, and took some time to sit down and enjoy it before going back. Loki sniffed a piece for a long time before tasting it.  
"This is very good," he admitted.  
"I told you the dark kind would be more your thing," she smiled enthusiastically. "You don't have chocolate in Asgard?" He savoured the taste before answering.  
"We don't. What is it made from?"  
"Cacao beans. They grow in warmer climates." He sniffed another piece. It looked almost like a ritual; the slow indulgence in scent and taste.  
"I would consider bringing some of it back..." he started saying before going quiet as a shadow passed over his face. She felt a glimpse of emotion through her empathic sense but he shut it down before she could identify it.

_Back to Asgard? Or to some special person? Someone you left behind?_

On the way home they ended up talking about lighter things again, eventually being more silly than two adults should have been, and embarrassing things happened. 

\--- 

Tony heard her voice through the doorway:  
"...easy for you to say. You don't bruise easily. I'm the one who will end up with a sore ass from this." She entered the lounge with Loki in tow, a smug look on his face. He was wearing his shirt open for a change, revealing a T-shirt with a bigass snake on the front. 

Tony knew better than to ask questions he didn't want to hear the answer to, but he also knew it was better to rip of a band-aid quickly, before having too much time to think about it.  
"Sore ass from what?" he asked warily.  
"I tried to give him a ride on my bike," she explained. "And we ended up in... a not too graceful heap on the sidewalk. Not that it bothers Man of Steel here." Loki looked thoroughly amused. She pointed a finger at him:  
"I'm never letting you talk me into anything ever again!" 

\--- 

She lingered after Loki had left and Tony saw his chance to ask another question that had been burning on his mind:  
"What _is_ up with you and Reindeer Games? He's acting all weird around you."  
"Why, because he's smiling?"  
"If that's what you want to call it. It gives 'creepy' a whole new meaning." She looked like she was about to laugh.  
"We're just having a bit of fun. He can be quite entertaining to be around when in the right mood."  
"That's what I'm worried about. Are you falling for him? Because..."  
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that question. And let me remind you that you once tried to come on to me when you were really drunk, so your view on what's friendship and what's attraction is not the most..."  
"I have no memory of that," he stated innocently.  
"Now, that's exactly why you should cut down on drinking," she lectured. "When you don't remember things, that's a sign that you're overdoing it. You may have brain cells to spare, but they won't last forever." 

He groaned inwards. She was worse than Pepper, hitting him right where it hurt. And she wasn't done yet.  
"If you're trying to drink away something, you should let me do a healing session instead. You've postponed it for three weeks now." 

_And how did we end up with me being the subject of this conversation?_

"You could go and give Bucky one," he suggested as an attempt at diversion. "I'm busy with a project right now."  
"Ha!" she said. "I'm still relying on Steve to convince him, but I doubt Bucky will ever let anyone near his mind again."  
"What about Loki, now you're so friendly with him?"  
"He's just the same; I can touch his body, but not his mind. This place is full of alpha males with emotional constipation." She rolled her eyes. "I've bought chocolate, by the way. Do you want some?" 

\--- 

Emotional constipation indeed. You wouldn't believe some of these guys. As for Loki... 

_You don't have to "fall" for someone just because it feels nicer to land in their arms than slamming your shoulder into the pavement._


	8. Peace and quiet and darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cute moments, as two people are slowly growing closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long delay. This story has given me serious problems lately, and I even considered giving up on it. Since there are people who seem to enjoy it though, I want to give it another chance. Can't promise frequent updates, but we'll see how it goes.

She was discussing important matters with a friend on skype when Loki showed up and she greeted him with a wave as she continued talking:  
"...but Hellblazer is supposed to be dark and disturbing. Remember the episode with the hunger demon? The guy didn't agree to sacrifice himself; he...  
"Hold on!" her friend interrupted. "Who's the hottie behind you?" She turned her head as Loki walked past and settled on his usual spot on the couch.  
"He's a friend..."  
"Can I talk to him?"  
"No, you can't"  
"Can I see his face?"

_Sigh._

"No, you can't. Focus, girl! Focus!"

She was all too aware that Loki could hear every word, and this could turn embarrassing fast. Eventually she managed to get the conversation back on track and finished the call as quickly as possible.

Outsiders were not supposed to know who he was or that he was residing in the tower, but in mainstream clothes and without showing his face there was little to worry about. Luckily he wasn't wearing his goddamn armor or, heaven forbid, the helmet. That would have been a dead giveaway.  
Blending in on the street was easy enough, but once you had your image on the net...

He seemed completely unfazed by being referred to as "hottie". Probably heard it all the time where he came from.

She went to sit on the couch and turned on the TV, too low-energy to do anything important. Loki stayed quiet, curled up at his end with a book in his hands. Not one of hers, she noticed; something quite different from the look of it. From his home world maybe?

"What is 'Hellblazer'?" he asked casually.  
"Ehm... it's a comic. They tried to make a TV-series of it, but it wasn't dark enough. In my not so humble opinion. Better not get me started; I tend to rant." She switched channels.  
"So you like dark things?" His tone was still casual, but there was something else underneath, she couldn't really make out what.  
"Well... depends, but I occasionally crave dark, twisted, horrory stories." He made an affirmative nod, not taking his eyes of the page.  
"Are you going somewhere with this?" she asked, curiousity taking over. He licked a finger and turned the page.  
"I'm merely taking interest in your person. Your likes and dislikes." His voice though... There was definitely something under the surface.  
"Okay... any particular reason why?" He looked up.  
"Need there be a reason?"  
"You're just messing with me, aren't you?" He smiled and looked positively devilish for a second, then relaxed back to normal.  
"There was no harm intended. I wanted to see if you're as easily unsettled as... some people."  
"You like creeping people out?"  
"It can be entertaining," he stated and closed the book. "Now, can I request something of you?"  
"Depends on what it is, but sure; ask away!" He stood up.  
"May I request one of your massages?"  
"Sure, why not?" She stood as well. There was nothing better to do and the night was still young. And she enjoyed his company.

* * *

She was putting weight down on both of her hands, sliding them slowly upwards along his back. The harder she pushed, the more he seemed to enjoy it. It was a delight to massage Loki since he so obviously relished it, and she never needed to worry about being to hard on him.

It did make her wonder though, why he was so opposed to touch in general when he so obviously loved it under these conditions. Could it have something to do with the scaring? She hadn't asked about it, but one day she wanted to. A resilient body like his wouldn't scar easily, so there must have been considerable damage to cause those marks. Some of them resembled faded burn marks, if she had the right idea what such would look like.

There was also a line on his back that had a corresponding one on his chest, like something had once went right through. She wondered how close to death he had been with that one.

_How much can you experience in a thousand years? It's more than ten lifetimes of a human's._

She was straddling his thighs to be able to reach better, and he had no problem with that once they'd grown closer. In the beginning it would have felt too intimate. She leaned forward, running her hands over his shoulders and down along his upper arms; slender but with long, firm muscles underneath. 

A few minutes passed before she noticed that something had changed. He hadn't moved or sighed for a while, but not stated that he wanted her to stop either. She continued, pressing down on his lower back to remove the last bit of tension under the pale skin, but he was already relaxed. She watched him intently. The side of his face was visible to her, eyes closed, as he was breathing slowly in and out, looking... unusually peaceful.

So he was asleep. As she was carefully lifting her weight off him she felt an odd urge to lean forward and kiss his neck, but quickly pushed the thought away. That would be really akward. Admiring his body was one thing, taking advantage of it quite another. She doubted he would appreciate such an intrusion.

She draped a blanket over his naked back and picked up the bottle of oil. For a few moments she lingered, watching him, smiling. She was getting weirdly fond of this man, all his dark past withstanding. He was often pleasant to be around, at least to her, and she felt... well, that she cared about him and his wellbeing. She would not like to see him harmed.

Quietly she left his rooms, closing the door behind her.


	9. Confrontation and preparation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And people keep reacting to this weird relationship that nobody gets.

Sitting in the lounge she was trying to complete a crossword in spanish.

"Do you think you can fix him or something?" She looked up and saw Clint sitting on the sofa across her. She didn't need to ask who he was referring to.  
"If somebody takes an interest in you, should i ask them if they think they can fix you?" she asked in return. He sneered.  
"I'm not the one who needs fixing."  
"Bullshit, everyone who comes and goes in this penthouse have issues, self included. And for the record; I don't think you can 'fix' another person, at most you can support them while they fix themselves."  
"That's strange for someone who claims to be a healer..." he said, the challenge in his tone undeniable.  
"Because you don't know how healing works." she replied calmly and continued what she was doing.

"You're sleeping with him, aren't you?" he persisted. She looked up again.  
"Even if I did it wouldn't be any of your business." He kept her locked in his gaze but she didn't back down. "You don't have to like him, but don't expect me not to just because you have a grudge."  
"A grudge?" he spit out. "He tried to fucking take over our planet! And has he given a single indication that he regrets it? Hell no!" 

True enough; Loki had never hinted at having regrets, though she didn't see why it would make a difference. It's not like they would believe him if he said so.

"He's not the only person in this building who's caused death and destruction, yet some seem to get away with it while others do not."  
Clint just shook his head, disgust clear on his face.  
"You know he's an alien, right?"  
"You know you're a bigot, right?"  
"I guess someone who's best friend with prostitutes doesn't mind much who they sleep with."  
She put the crossword down.  
"You have a problem with people making a living the best way they can? Because I don't. Sex workers have to pay their bills and feed their children just like everybody else. And don't you dare slut-shame me! What I do, and who I do it with, is not your fucking business. I already told you so."  
"You're not denying it."  
"Because it doesn't matter. You have no say in what I do with my life, sexually or otherwise. And that's not really what this is about, is it? You just think you can provoke me, like the very idea is something shameful. It's a cheap way to go about it. You'd better come up with something better."

They were interrupted by more people arriving, a meeting coming up. Some curious looks came their way; their voices must have carried, but nobody asked or commented. She slowly got to her feet, leaving them the space. It was only after she exited the room she started shaking from the adrenaline.

* * *

She was preparing dinner on her own floor that night when there was a knock on the door and Thor appeared.  
"I was told my brother is here?"  
"Over there." She pointed towards the couch where Loki was relaxing, half lying with one leg bent and another straight, taking manspreading to a whole new level. He didn't look too happy about the visit.  
"What now?" he sighed without looking up.  
"We need to talk about tomorrow," Thor said and found a seat.

She continued her cooking, barely listening to their conversation. The team were to leave for a mission in the early morning and for once Loki was actually coming along, not just consulting as usual. At one point she had to interrupt their conversation to ask:  
"Loki, are you having dinner here tonight?"  
"If you will have me."  
"You know I will. In any way you like." He smiled at that, and Thor's look went from one to the other, like he tried figure out if they were serious or not. He politely refused when she extended the invitation to him, stating that he had already eaten, but looked pleased to be asked.

"Do you often take your dinner here? he asked curiously.  
"I like the quiet," Loki answered in a tone that made the hint glaringly obvious.

It was likely to be true. She had dinner with the others a couple of times per week so to not be seen as asocial, but most days she made her own, and Loki had started showing up around that time with increasing frequency. She doubted that it was her cooking skills that attracted him, being rudimentary at best, but the quiet of being only them may well be a reason. He never seemed comfortable sitting down with the others and he probably cared less about being seen as asocial than she did.

It struck her just how much time he was spending here. How he quietly came and went as he pleased and just kept hanging out like he belonged in her home. She did prefer solitude over company, but that was mainly because most people were so demanding in their need for attention it wore her out. Loki just did his own thing while she attended to hers, and that gave her exactly that low-level company she appreciated. It was weird how well they went together like that.


	10. Sleep trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when you let your best friend sleep on your couch.

The others were gone for two days but finally returned one late afternoon, tired, dirty and hungry. She had dinner with them, quite happy to see that noone was seriously injured, but retired to her own place soon after.

It took less than an hour for Loki to show up and settle on her couch. He wasn't talkative, and she didn't push, staying busy with her own things. It was only when she started considering going to bed that she discovered he had fallen asleep. The book he had been reading rested open on his chest and he was snoring quietly, his face unusually relaxed.

She watched him for a bit, pondering, then decided to just let him be. She turned off the lights and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. The couch was comfortable enough and he was perfectly capable of returning to his own rooms when he woke.

It was the middle of the night when she startled awake by a commotion in the living room. Something fell to the floor, something bigger fell to the floor and then something crashed. She had the sense to put on a robe before going out to check and hoped, just hoped, that nothing important was broken.

_Where did I put the laptop? Not on that small table next to... Oh shit!_

She didn't need to turn on the light to make out a silhouette on the floor, sitting curled up against the couch. As she came closer she caught his troubled breathing.  
"What's going on?" No answer. She crouched down and tried to get a look at his face, but his eyes were focused somewhere else, like he didn't even notice her. Gently she placed two fingers on his shoulder. When that didn't seem to startle him she put her whole hand down. He seemed frozen in whatever was going on in his mind and completely unaware of the world around him. This wasn't a nightmare.

Whatever was going on, it was serious.

"Loki..." She tried stroking his hair, his cheek, trying to get his attention in the gentlest way possible.  
"Remember where you are!" she said in a low, soothing voice. "You're with me, in a safe place."

It was seriously weird to see him like this. She waited patiently, kept caressing his hair, looking for signs that he was listening.

Finally he seemed to come back to his senses, looking at her with confusion and a barely detectable hint of vulnerability. She realized this might not be a situation he'd like to be found in and she braced herself in case he would lash out. Yet nothing happened. Maybe he was too exhausted to care.  
"You had a nightmare, I think," she said, though it had rather resembled a panic attack. It wasn't over either; he was still shaking. A cut on his hand from earlier had opened up, bleeding slowly over pale skin.

"Thanos is coming," he whispered, and she suddenly felt cold.

Gathering herself together, she decided to try something, offered a hand and convinced him to stand on his feet. She had spent her whole life listening, caring and healing people, but this wasn't your average person. She had to use another approach; something that didn't compromise his pride.

There was no resistance or protesting when she led him into the bedroom and had him sit on her bed, removing his sweater.  
"Lie down! On your belly," she ordered and brought out the small bottle of massage oil she used during their sessions. He was still trembling, though less than before, and she figured the best way to deal with this was to relax his body, then maybe, probably, his mind would follow. Also, it was something familiar, with positive associations.

Once he seemed relaxed enough she took her hands of him and looked at the nightstand clock; almost four in the morning. No wonder she felt so tired. Loki only mumbled something when she tried to talk to him, appearently drifting off to sleep again. She had neither the heart nor the energy to push him out of her bed at this point so she just lay back against the unoccupied pillow and closed her eyes. Just for a minute while she figured out what to do...

* * *

She woke up feeling very comfortable, with a firm,naked arm wrapped around her waist and Loki's chest pressed against her back.

_Wait...what?_

Also his leg was nestled in between hers with a distinct hardness pushing against her ass.

She would _never_ have taken him for the cuddly type. He always kept his dignified distance to other people, and even though they considered each other friends she knew the only reason she was allowed to touch him was her skill in relaxing his muscles. This was totally out of character.

She listened,trying to figure out whether he was awake and aware of what he was doing, but his breathing was slow and relaxed against her neck. No doubt: he was asleep.

She rested in this knowledge for a while, not sure what to do with it. How would he react when waking up? Would he remember why he was in her bed in the first place? This could get seriously akward.

What _was_ it with him and physical touch? Either he hated it or he indulged in it; there was no in between.

As much as they liked each other's company, she hadn't considered this type of closeness. Whatever the others were thinking there had not been this level of intimacy between them, and she had not expected it to happen. The way they joked with each other might border on flirting, but it had only been about sharing some humour and playfulness. He wasn't even interested in "mortal" women, as far as she knew.

But his sleeping embrace was more pleasant than anything she'd felt in years, and she didn't really want it to end soon.

_Sigh._

As tempting as it was to indulge she thought it best to nudge him a little.

The wake up was akward indeed. None of them really knew what to say. Loki got his sweater and was out the door in no time, leaving her to wonder what the hell to do next. Going back to sleep was out of the question, so she went to have breakfast instead.

The whole morning felt weird.


	11. Winter delights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ways to have fun in the tower when winter sets in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know it's june, but this scene has to fit in somewhere and I don't want to wait half a year to update.

He avoided her completely for two days, then strolled in like nothing had happened and took his usual place on her couch. She pretended that everything was normal and they picked up where they left off.

Once she tried to prod into what the deal was with the nightmare/panic attack but he got a look on his face that made it clear that it was not a subject to be discussed, so she left it alone.

* * *

Winter was late, so it felt like christmas came early. Tony decided there was time for a bonding moment and managed to gather as many people as he could for some traditional food, feast and fun. She participated best she could, pushing down her asocial streak and trying not to get overwhelmed. They were nice people, it was just that things went on for hours on end, and she hadn't really had a chance to sneak off and recuperate in solitude.

Loki seemed to have no problem with that; he disappeared whenever it pleased him and only came back when he felt like it. Nobody thought it wise to say anything. Their tolerance of him might have increased over the past months, but being totally comfortable in his presence was still a long way off. Every time he left a sigh of relief seemed to resonate in the room.

When the others decided on watching "It's a wonderful life", she immediately declined.  
"I can't stand that movie," she declared. "I'll be in the kitchen."

Loki showed up half way in, began watching the film from a place behind the others and, once grasping the idea, kept commenting on how utterly useless it was.  
"Okay," Tony said with a sigh. "You can go join our cheerful little angel in the kitchen. You two should get along perfectly."

* * *

She was busy melting chocolate and making christmas candy when Loki entered. Small, uneven chocolate covered bonbons were lined up on a tray on the counter. Another was already in the fridge, chocolate hardening. She was making one tray for each kind; dark, milk and white.

For a moment he seemed to take in the scents that filled the kitchen, then spoke:  
"You don't care for that tale they treasure so much?"  
"Ugh, I can't stand it. Makes _me_ depressed and wanting to kill myself." He looked pleased and ventured further, bending over the little pieces on the tray and picked up one to examine.  
"You do not believe in sacrificing yourself for others?" he asked without taking his eyes of the bonbon.  
"When you get tired of studying that you can put it in your mouth," she suggested. "Or pick one from the fridge, these aren't done yet. As for self-sacrifice... I saw what that did to my mother. They make it look honorable and beautiful in movies; in real life it's a soul-crushing disaster."  
"Not to mention a waste of your talents," he agreed and broke the bonbon apart to see it's content. Then he finally decided to taste it. "This is tolerable."  
"Gee, thanks. My efforts are 'tolerable', that's a compliment."  
"It's a little too sweet," he clarified, unfazed by her sarcasm.  
"Then try the ones in the fridge; they have darker chocolate on them. Should be more to your liking."

He immediately went there and located a piece, popping it into his mouth without dissecting it this time.  
"You humans have a tendency to forget the differences between fantasy and reality," he commented, licking his thumb.  
"That's not necessarily a bad thing..." she said while dipping another bonbon in the melted chocolate and placing it on the tray. "Get stuck too much in the here and now and you lose track of what might be possible. It's just this glamorizing of pain and hardship I don't agree with. Sometimes you _have_ to do go through shit for one reason or another, but it's a necessary evil, not something to aspire to."  
"Sacrificing yourself for strangers is of little use. They are not likely to recognize your efforts. Even those who are close to you may never do so."

There was something in his voice that made her wonder just how much he was speaking from experience, but decided it better not to ask. Not right now anyway. She finished the second tray and put it in the fridge near the other.  
"Just how many of those are you eating?" she asked when seeing how fast the number of dark bonbons was shrinking. " I may have to make another tray of those."

Loki smiled slyly and picked yet another one before he closed the refrigerator door. He seemed content with himself. Relaxed even.

"Care to take a walk later?" she asked. "I'd like to get out of here for some quiet time, just to clear my mind a bit."  
His eyes went to the window where large flakes of snow was slowly falling, and for a moment he seemed less than enthusiastic, then:  
"I will walk with you."

They stayed till she was done with the bonbons, then quietly snuck away before anyone could notice.

She liked snow. Took a childish delight in it, in fact. She kept catching the flakes on her hands and watching them till they melted.  
"Do you have snow in Asgard?" she asked.  
"Rarely. It will almost never get cold enough. There are other realms with an abundance of it however." She didn't miss the hint of displeasure in his voice.  
"I take it you're not a fan? Here most people detest snow because they get so much extra work from it. Kids love it though."  
"It is not my preference, but I can tell you are enjoying yourself."  
"Oh yes! I never got that message telling me it's time to grow up." 

They spent the next half hour walking, and it finally felt like her mind began to recover from being overwhelmed for so long. The quiet time in the kitchen had helped somewhat, but this was the final cure she needed to retrieve her balance. This and Loki's company. His presence really had a positive effect on her mood nowadays.  
In fact... it had come to the point where she missed him when he wasn't around.


	12. Mischief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of fun really.

"Goddammit, Thor! You have to talk to your brother!"  
Thor sighed.  
"What has he done?"

Tony ran an exasperated hand through his hair.  
"What has he _not_ done? would be a better question. And you know what? It's getting worse. It's definitely getting worse."  
"Perhaps if we all treated him a little better..." Thor's voice had a distinct touch of guilt to it.  
"Better? We let him camp in the tower, he's taking part in missions like we can suddenly trust him... He has his own personal massage therapist, for christ's sake. What more can he _possibly_ want?"  
"It is not a privilege for him to be staying here." Thor sighed again. "He is not happy."  
"Seems perfectly happy to me." Tony went over to the bar and poured himself a drink, then pointed a finger at Thor: "That's what the problem is; the happier he is the more havoc he's causing."

Thor remained quiet for a while.  
There would be little point in denying such a statement, even the god of thunder had to see that. Loki was... in lack of a better word, happy. He was cheerful, smiling, light on his feet... Way different from the looming shadow from the first couple of months. And that actually made things worse. Leave it to Asgardian deities to fuck up everything.

"You know, if he really wanted people to treat him better he wouldn't be so damn set on pissing everyone off. Do you know what he did this morning?"  
Thor only looked at him, silently waiting for him to continue.  
"He let a huge, I mean _huge_ fucking tiger loose in the kitchen. I thought I was going into cardiac arrest standing eye to eye with that monster first thing in the morning."  
"Merely one of his illusions, certainly?"  
"Yeah, that really didn't help," Tony said drily. "Let me tell you, those illusions look way too real. And it was growling like it hadn't eaten and was just waiting around to have a bite of Tony Stark for breakfast. I swear I could hear him laughing; he must have been watching the whole damn thing from a corner somewhere."

Thor sighed for the third time. There really wasn't much variation to his responses.  
"I will have a word with my brother. I can not promise it will do much good, however. He is... restless. This is not an ideal situation."

* * *

It was an ideal situation. She'd never had so much fun in her life.  
"You can't seriously mean that!"  
"You don't think I would do such a thing?" He lifted an eyebrow.  
"Just how old were you at the time?" she asked curiously.  
"About 600 in your years. It translates to..."  
There was a knock at the door. A quite familiar knock if Loki's facial expression was any indication.  
"Come in!"

Thor didn't comment on the trail of melted snow leading from the elevator to her door, or the fact that she and Loki both were rubbing their hair with towels.  
"I thought I would find you here. I need a word with you, brother."  
"Oh really. And what have I supposedly done now that brought on the ire of your delightful companions?"  
Thor looked taken aback, almost a bit guilty.  
"That is not the mere reason I seek you out these days."  
Loki looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and Thor avoided his gaze.

She took the opportunity to snatch up Loki's towel and throw it into the bathroom with her own. They had been walking in the snow again, like every day since christmas, and this time things had gotten out of hand. As in childishly, ridiculously out of hand. As in Loki dumping snow over her head out of hand. She had gotten him back for it though.

"If you boys want to talk things out I'll be in the kitchen. See you when you're done."  
She had an idea what the conversation was to be about; Loki had told her about the tiger. It wasn't nice, but quite funny. She wished she had seen it.

It was another five minutes before she heard the door close and Loki joined her in the kitchen area. He didn't look happy, but not overly upset either.  
"That didn't last long..." she prodded. Loki took the mug of chocolate she handed him.  
"There wasn't much to be said. The others are displeased about... certain events recently."  
"And we all know what those events are, don't we? Do you need to go and change clothes, by the way? I can wait."  
"I will dry them with magic in a moment." He sipped the hot liquid and looked pleased with the taste. They were standing close, a little closer than normal, than should have been appropriate, but he didn't seem to notice. It was not like they hadn't been closer than that, wrestling like children in the snow. Or back when...

She put that thought out of her head.

She really should go change clothes herself, but didn't feel like going through the effort, so she waited till the moist would be just too uncomfortable to ignore.

In the end she watched with fascination as he made a hand movement and almost instantly had all moist evaporate from his clothes, then proceeded to do the same thing with hers. It was a weird feeling, and an even weirder concept. Where did the water go?  
"It is simply absorbed into the air. If you pay attention you may notice the air in here is less dry than before. I presume the technology that governs the temperature and ventilation in this building will restore the balance eventually."  
"Probably. You make it look so easy."  
"It takes time and dedication to learn, but once you master it..."

She felt silly for expressing such open admiration, but the whole concept of magic was fascinating to her. That it was real, actually existed, and not just in some faraway, abstract place but as demonstrated, here and now. There was no denying that it was real, contrary to what she'd always been taught by her earthly culture.

Bending the laws of nature...

She would have loved to be able to do that.

They sat down at the small table and she was watching Loki who seemed lost in thoughts. His hand was absentmindedly playing with the mug, running a finger along the edge in a repetitive movement. He had nice hands, she thought, and wondered the next moment why she even paid attention to something like that.

_He's not interested in mortal women. Don't go making a fool of yourself, girl._


	13. Party time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parties can be big and bold... or small and intimate.

Loki stepped into her quarters without knocking and looked slightly surprised to see her standing by the window in jeans and T-shirt.  
"You're not at the party?" he asked with raised eyebrows.  
"Parties are not my thing." she answered with a shake of the head. "Too much social interaction." She turned back to the view outside, the curtain of night starting to replace the multicolored sunset beyond the city skyline. She didn't notice him walking up closer until he was standing next to her.  
"What about you?" she asked. He smirked.  
"I think my presence would have a... dampening effect on their celebration." She could see what he meant. She expected at least Tony to try to convince her to come upstairs at some point once he realized she was missing, but she doubted anyone would come for Loki. 

They stood in silence. Knowing Tony, the party would go on way into the small hours. It was tempting to leave the tower,to sneak out so to not have to defend her choice and end up feeling weird because she didn't want to participate. But she couldn't think of anywhere to go.

"Is it something you would have wanted to do?" he asked softly.  
"No." She sighed. "I just wish I didn't have to feel... so _abnormal_ for not enjoying those things." She straightened up and looked at him. "So... since we are the odd ones out; what would you like to do?

They snuck upstairs to raid the the top floor where the party was going on, and she came back with cheeses and snacks. Loki had made himself invisible so she didn't know where he went, but on return he had two bottles of wine that looked suspiciously expensive.  
"You didn't actually get those from the party, did you?"  
"Shh, plausible deniability."

They ended up talking. For a long time. About choices and experiences.  
"...then I realised I don't regret things anymore," she said. "I've always made the best choice I could at the time, so whatever happened there's no real reason for regrets."  
"Sometimes there is no choice," he commented, sipping his wine. "You do what you have to do, whatever the outcome is." 

She'd never been more tempted to ask than right now:  
"May I ask you something personal? Or maybe it's too intrusive, but you don't have to answer."  
"You may."  
"Why did you attack this world? Back then. How did you come up with that idea?" He went quiet for a while and she waited. She wasn't sure what reaction to expect, but at least it wasn't an outright refusal.  
"I... It's rather a long and unpleasant story, but I believed it an opportunity." Something dark glimpsed through his eyes. "I had allied with someone that was willing to give me what I needed in exchange for the tesseract."  
"I've read about it, but there was no explanation of your motivations, really." 

There was a bitterness to his voice.  
"You want to know what my motivations were? That is a first. Very well... The people I allied with... were not kind. They had what you call the upper hand. I needed a way to even the odds. As I agreed to cooperate, to give them what they wanted, they would let me go. I would have a world to rule and they would not be in control of me again."  
She wondered what "not kind" meant but didn't press the issue. If he had wanted to give details he probably would have, and she sensed this was dangerous territory. He was tense when telling her this, and he chose his words very carefully.

"But you didn't succeed. What happened afterwards? I heard that Thor brought you back to... Asgard, but nothing on what happened after."  
"I was imprisoned for a while, but I'd rather not talk about those events right now." He didn't seem upset about it, just definite. Maybe another time she'd get to hear the rest. Unfortunately Loki was not the kind of person you could barrage with questions.

"Well, thanks for telling me," she said lightly. "It helps in understanding it."  
"It does?"  
"Yes. The whole 'wanting to rule' concept is foreign to me, but I think I get an idea."  
He smiled knowingly.  
"Then you haven't felt what power is like."  
"Power is about control. I just want control over my own life, not anyone elses."

She nibbled on the cheese. It was a very nice cheese in fact, she wished she had brought up more.  
She was aware that Loki kept watching her but didn't think much of it. The wine and the company made her pleasantly relaxed.

"So why were you never uncomfortable around me?" The question took her with such surprise she wasn't sure what to say at first. Why indeed?  
"I don't know, I... I was more curious, I think."  
"But you had heard about what I did, and the others must have warned you about me."  
"Sure," she said and reached out to refill her glass. "You just didn't seem so dangerous when I first saw you."  
He laughed softly.  
"I have often been underestimated by people who do not know me well."  
"I don't underestimate you, I just... It's more a matter of healthy respect than fear. You've never been anything but nice to me."

He seemed to ponder that for a while.

"You're quite remarkable for a mortal," he said, holding out his glass so she could fill it as well.  
"Really. Why?" The compliment, if it was one, took her back a bit.  
"Because you don't let others influence your judgment. Why is that?"  
She hesitated for a bit.  
"I do things... I jump into things, even if they're a bit risky, because that's what life is about. Exploring, experiencing, finding out what you like... that's the whole point for me." She took a sip from her glass while thinking more about how to explain it.

"I used to be afraid of everything," she finally said. "But it's like passing open doors to various rooms, and you can either enter or avoid them. If you avoid them you never find out what's in there. If you go through you may find a lot of darkness and creepy things and wish you never entered in the first place. But if you don't... you might miss out on something you really wanted. And I will never know which it is if I don't go. Sometimes when you end up in a dark room you have to search for a long time before you can find the exit on the other side and finally get out. It can take years even, but I've always, always, found my way out eventually. So I keep falling through whatever doors open in my way, and then... I see what happens." 

She looked at him, trying to see if the metaphor made any sense to him or not... and that was when he leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. And another door just opened.


	14. Closeness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just continue where you left off and hope for the best.

She woke up with the barest hint of a headache. It was unusual for her to drink any major amount but she hadn't kept track during the evening, so it probably had ended up being more than it should.

Loki was sleeping in her arms. They were both half dressed. Never got as far as to actually remove their pants, she recalled. There had been a lot of kissing and cuddling and skin-to-skin contact but somehow they had fallen asleep before doing anything below the waistline.

Damn wine.

She could only hope he wouldn't wake up with second thoughts.

It was nice to lie this way though, feeling his cool skin against hers, his soft hair against her jaw. Nice, close, comfortable. She ran her hand over his back, feeling the texture of his skin and the muscles underneath. He stirred and made a purring sound deep in his throat.

Pulling her into a tighter embrace he pressed his nose and mouth against her neck, inhaling deeply. With his body firmly against hers he began slowly caressing her back, her legs; any spot he could reach, clothed or not. It was like picking up where they left off, perhaps a little slower, more lazily. His eyes remained closed, as if to enjoy the sensations more.

Their legs were entangled and she lifted her knee higher, resting over his waist. It felt a bit shameless, like she just crossed a line into the wantonly erotic, but he moaned approvingly against her throat. Oh well, no objections from that end.

She ran her fingers through his hair and he sighed contently, nibbling with soft lips at her collar bone. It was sensual and intimate and not just in a physical way.

_I could do this all day._

He began moving his hips against her, slowly but with obvious arousal. It sent a ripple of sweet tension through her core and she answered the movement. He claimed her mouth, urged her lips apart and kissed her deeply, eagerly. Before long he rolled her over on her back and reached for her pant lining, flicking the button open. His hands slid in underneath, pushing the garment down.

Just the brush of his fingers against her skin was enticing, the pressure of his body even more so. She managed to worm out of the pants without slipping out of position, and placed her hands on his hips. To her surprise the fabric vanished and she only then recalled his ability to change clothes by magic means.

She raised her knees a bit, feeling his hardened length pressed against her naked thigh. Her heartbeat quickened at the contact and the anticipation. Long, dextrous fingers slipped past her folds, searching and fondling. She moaned into the kiss and moved against him, trying to get those fingers right where she wanted them.

He let go of her mouth, running his lips along her jawline, touching down on her neck and making her quiver from the contact of a flicking tongue. His hand withdrew and she felt something else push against her entrance. 

The thought of being entered was as arousing as the actual feeling. She wanted to push back and meet him, but he held her still by force which only increased the excitement. There was nothing she could do but whimper at the slow pace. He laughed softly in her ear.  
"Are you in a hurry, darling?"  
Yes, in fact she was. Not that she wanted it to end soon, but she wanted that feeling of being filled, of being...  
"I will not risk hurting you," he whispered. "I don't know yet how much you can take."

She realized what he referred to was their physical differences, the fact that he was a lot stronger than she was. It hadn't occured to her before how risky that could be, but the thought was disturbingly arousing.

_Oh great, I'm even kinkier than I thought I was._

Once fully sheathed inside his movements intensified. A hand slipped in under her backside while he sank his teeth into her neck, only to lick the bruise with a teasing tongue. Taking hold of her wrists, he held them over her head with one hand, firmly pinned against the mattress.

She angled her hips to take him deeper and felt the pleasure building with every thrust. It was immensely arousing. His lips brushing against her ear, whispering things that sent thrills down her spine, his body tensing as his peak crept closer...

When he finally emptied himself in her with clenched teeth and ragged breath she was so close he only needed to touch her sensitive spot with slick fingers before she closed her eyes and let the tension pierce her through, deep and deliciously sweet.

* * *

"You know what the others will think," he reminded her when getting dressed.  
"What they've been thinking all along," she assumed. She knew she shouldn't care but it had always felt a little bitter not being believed.  
"They will also think I coerced you." His voice was neutral, like stating a simple fact. If said fact bothered him or not was impossible to tell.  
"I'm sorry," she said. "I wish I knew what to do about it."

He smiled slightly.  
"That shouldn't fall on you. I can't say I mind much how they feel about me."  
"Are you sure?" she asked. "If it gets you in trouble..."  
"There is little they can do," he assured her, lifting a hand to her face. He ran his thumb gently over her lips and she shivered at the sensual touch. "They should realize by now that they have need of me."  
"Does it never bother you...?"

She was interrupted by JARVIS' voice:  
"Pardon me for disturbing, but mr. Loki's presence is required in the penthouse. There is an emergency meeting being called."  
Loki rolled his eyes.  
"Appearantly their need of me is urgent." He kissed her tenderly and she took the opportunity to embrace him. It was with reluctance she let him go.

She was halfway through breakfast when being informed that the others had left the tower. No surprise there; emergency meetings usually meant emergency missions. That they brought Loki indicated it was something serious.

It was a bit of a disappointment, since she would have wanted to spend at least some more time with him after... everything. She could only hope they wouldn't be away for long.


	15. Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When danger is approaching.

They all came back in the afternoon, without serious injuries but quite shaken.  
"We knew it would come to this," Thor said.  
Loki was quiet, with a grim look on his face.

"Are we sure they're the same?" Steve asked. "They didn't look much like the chitauri we saw back at the invasion."  
"There are more races out there," Loki snapped. "Creatures that look nothing like you've seen in your limited little world."  
"These were bounty hunters," Thor explained more patiently. "The chitauri were soldiers."  
"And not very professional ones, I'd say," Tony inserted. "They sure knew how to draw attention to themselves."  
"Don't underestimate them!" Loki warned with a rough edge to his voice. "They won't all be as incompetent as these fools."  
"You think there are more coming?" Steve asked with a frown.  
"Of course there are. Have you not been listening? If these were close enough to reach Earth without a portal, how far away do you think others are? There might be reconnaissance teams here already that we know nothing about."

She arrived in the middle of the conversation but it didn't take long to puzzle together what they were talking about. Nobody seemed to take notice of her at first so she remained in the doorway, listening. What she heard filled her with dread.

_"Thanos is coming."_

She remembered too well the words Loki had uttered in the wake of his nightmare. But they were supposed to have more time, weren't they? Those forces would be coming from another part of the universe, they couldn't be here yet.

"What were bounty hunters doing here anyway?" Tony wanted to know.  
"They're here for me," Loki said coldly.  
"We cannot be entirely certain of that," Thor said.  
Loki huffed.  
"And what other reason could they possibly have for coming here? They took a faulty turn and landed on the wrong planet? Seriously, Thor."

Bruce had been silent up till now.  
"I'm more interested in how they're getting here. The tesseract is still in Asgard, isn't it?"  
"It is," Thor assured. "It has not been moved since brought there, and nobody can get within it's reach without making themselves known."  
"Somehow they found a way to bridge the distance," Bruce pondered. "Even if these weren't part of an army they must have means to reach the people they work for, which means..."  
"...that Thanos' forces cannot be far away," Thor confirmed. "It is of importance that we prepare our defences."  
"When S.H.I.E.L.D. is done with the interrogation..."

Loki appearantly had enough of the conversation. He turned to leave when spotting her in the doorway.  
"Come!" he said and pulled her along. He didn't stop until they were in his rooms, then proceeded to change clothes and sit on the bed.  
"I will ask a favour of you," he said.  
"Okay..." she agreed, wondering what was to come.  
"If I dream... badly... in your presence, I wish for you not to tell the others."  
"I won't, but you know they might still find out through JARVIS," she reminded him.  
"Not unless they specifically ask, I imagine."

He was right, of course. Unless he needed help JARVIS was not likely to take the initiative to report it. She sat down beside him.  
"Why are your dreams so important? You never told me why it's such a big deal."  
"They are not normal dreams. They're recent and now we have indications that Thanos may be closer to the nine realms. I don't believe it's a coincidence."  
She pondered the implications.  
"Some kind of mental link? Is that what you're saying?"  
"When I was in their tender care Thanos and the Other used... more direct ways of communicating with me at times. It is possible there is still a link, as you call it. Something that comes into play when the physical distance is no longer an issue." He looked thoughtful.

"How does it work?" she asked.  
"I do not know at this point. I used my scepter for such contact in the past. Perhaps that isn't needed if they are close enough. I am merely considering possibilities for now."

She looked at him more closely, noticing subtle signs she wouldn't have seen unless consciously paying attention.  
"Just how often do you have those dreams?"  
"More often than I care for," he said curtly.  
"This is why you keep falling asleep on my couch. You don't sleep well at night, do you?"  
He took a breath and clenched his jaw.  
"I seem to sleep better in your presence, for whatever reason."

Well, that was flattering, in a way.  
"If it helps we can sleep together from now on...," she said casually. "But the dream you had when you were with me... I could barely get you out of it. What do I do if it happens again?"

She still called it a dream, but it had never seemed like an ordinary nightmare to her. His speculation about it's origin might well be true, and if so... 

She continued with hesitation:  
"I do have the ability to go into people's mind, you know. I know you don't want that," she said quickly. "But if you allow it I could try and find out what's going on while you're...dreaming."  
He tightened his fist.  
"It is not that I don't trust you. The mere fact that you're asking rather than..." He stood up suddenly and walked to the nearest window, leaning his forehead against the glass. There was something tired and lost about him at that moment, something she'd rarely had the privilege to see. "I am concerned about what you will see," he said quietly.  
"I can't read thoughts," she said. "Just emotions."  
"I am aware."

She waited but he didn't offer any more insight. Eventually she walked up to stand behind him, putting her hands on his waist.  
"Is it just a privacy thing or... something specific?" She walked on thin ice, it felt, but her curiousity was piqued and this could be important.  
He took a deep breath.  
"I am not sure how wise it is of you to be involved with me."


	16. Worries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When threats are coming close.

If she didn't know better she would think this was the "I slept with you, now I have cold feet" speech.  
She gave him a suspicious look, but decided that wasn't it.  
"What do you mean?" she asked instead.  
"There is much you do not know about me yet," he said without turning. "You might not find the prospect so appealing once you learn the truth."  
"It's a little late to think of that now, don't you think?"

He sighed and turned around.  
"There is also the matter of what's coming. If more of those creatures come for me it will be unsafe to be in my vicinity. You are mortal, which makes you...vulnerable."  
"So are the others," she pointed out." Except for Thor, obviously, they were all human and vulnerable one way or another. Bruce might be the hardest to kill, but they didn't know what firepower the approaching enemy might bring. Thanos could have learned plenty from the failure of the chitauri invasion and upgraded his forces accordingly. They would hardly come close if they didn't think they could win.  
"But the others have means to fight," he said. "...would a threat come close. You..."  
"My power is not a weapon. Thank you, I know." Yet another thing that set her aside from the rest and made her count as less. She shouldn't let it get to her, but it still did.

He placed his hands on her waist, caressing her thoughtfully with his thumbs.  
"Your presence has meant more to make it bearable here than you can possibly imagine. I would rather not see you harmed."  
"So what do you suggest? That I leave? I'm in the middle of this whether I'm involved with you or not."  
"That is true." He pulled her closer and brushed his lips over the side of her face. It sent a shiver down her spine. She wrapped her arms around him, enjoying the feeling of his body so close to hers. It was soothing and arousing at the same time, sending a flutter through her belly.  
"I love you," she thought, not ready to say it aloud just yet.

* * *

She was on her way to the central kitchen when she overheard them talking in the lounge.  
"I'd say let them take him." It was Clint's voice. She slowed down her pace to listen.  
"I don't think you really mean that." That was Bruce. She backed up a little to not be seen from the doorway.  
"Why not? If they get him maybe they leave us alone? Offer them a trade and see if they accept."  
"I'm sure Fury would jump right at that idea if he thought it would work," Tony said. "I don't see an alien army travelling from one end of the universe to another just to get their hands on Reindeer games. They're after more than that."  
"Besides, Loki has proven himself useful on more than one occasion," Bruce inserted carefully. "If we could keep him on our side..."  
"He will never be on our side!" Clint said bitterly. "He's going along with it because it suits his fucking purposes. The son of a bitch isn't loyal to anyone."  
"Well, his purposes aligns with ours for the time being," Bruce persisted. "So I say keep it that way and stay on his good side. We have Thor to consider too. He would not take it well, I think, if we suddenly were about to sell out his little brother."

Silence followed.

She left without making herself known, a bad feeling in her gut.

* * *

"Just what will happen to you if..." She couldn't make herself say it. "If _they_ capture you again?"  
"They will not capture me," Loki said cooly. "Though I suppose they would like to rip me apart in whatever imaginative way they could concoct."  
She winced at his words.   
"I don't see how you can be so calm about it."  
"It will not happen, I can assure you."  
"But those bounty hunters came here for you; you said so yourself."  
He made a derisive sound.  
"They were fools. More like overconfident children than anything else."

But others may not be, she thought uneasily. She had to wonder if he really felt as sure about this as he made himself out to.

"How did they know where to find you in the first place? If there are nine realms to choose from, why look for you here?"  
"That is a point," he admitted. "Either they or their employer would have to have a way of locating me."

That didn't exactly ease her worries. Yesterday this all had been a moot point; something abstract that may or may not happen in the future. Now the future was suddenly a lot closer and a lot more real.

She shifted position to lie more comfortably. They were in her bed, but sleep didn't come easy.  
"You were supposed to sleep better here, and now I'm keeping you awake," she muttered, frustrated with herself.  
"I can't say I mind," he smirked, pulling her closer, cradling her face against his neck.

He seemed relaxed and comfortable, way more than she was.  
"It is sweet of you to be concerned for my welfare, darling," he said. "But there really is no need. I am quite accomplished at dealing with threats."

That might well be true, but she could feel his scars under her fingers in that moment, and they told her even gods weren't invulnerable.


	17. Dress code

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast conversation in the tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally, _finally_ managed to finish this chapter after being stuck for weeks. Once it started flowing it was a fun one to write though.

"Are you wearing that?" There was pointed disapproval in Loki's voice.  
She looked down on her clothes.  
"Yes, is there anything wrong with it?"  
"Your... back," he pointed out. She took a look and pulled her pants up.  
"I have a belt somewhere. I just can't find it."  
"Then you should find more appropriate attire."  
"Excuse me? I didn't hear you complain two days ago, and I wore the same pants then."

He didn't reply to that, but still didn't look happy. Probably expected her pantline to start dropping as soon as he took his eyes off it.  
"It's perfectly normal to wear lowcut pants," she said. "I can't help that my body is weirdly shaped; Mother Nature put me together from miscellaneous parts."  
"Then wear something else!"  
"Again, why is this a problem now, all of a sudden?"  
"Because I don't wish for everybody in the building to see your backside!" he exclaimed.

_Oh!_

"Seriously, Loki. Just because we... No. No no no no no, I'm not going to change. Just deal with it!"

He was still sulking when they arrived in the central kitchen, joining Tony and Bruce who were discussing... something. She didn't understand half of the words they were using and she wouldn't even try this early in the morning. 

It was unusual to see Tony up at this hour.  
"Have you slept yet?" she asked as she walked by him.  
"Will later," he dismissed and glanced at her back. Loki gave him a glare that made him frown in confusion.  
"There is fresh coffee," Bruce said helpfully.  
She settled at the table and reached for a slice of toast that Tony seemed to have forgotten. Loki placed himself on the chair across, looking grim.  
"Good morning to you too, Sunshine," Tony said with happy sarcasm. Loki didn't answer.

Bruce pretended not to notice the tension and focused on his tablet and an article he was reading.  
"I think you'd find this interesting," he said. "Wasn't this what you were talking about?"  
Tony looked over his shoulder.  
"Yeah, that's it. I think you could take it a step further and use the same process in focusing the cold in the containment field..."  
She tuned them out.

"Are you going to be like this all day?" she hissed under her breath as she leaned over the table.  
Loki gave her an offended look.  
"Are you going to change?" he retorted.  
She rolled her eyes and resisted the urge to throw the toast at him. Was this how it was going to be now? There should be a manual for going from friends to lovers with alien gods.

Ugh, this was not how she wanted to start her day.

They were distracted by the other resident god in the tower, walking in while wearing only Midgardian pyjama pants. Loki winced.  
"Thor..."  
"Good morning brother," Thor said cheerfully, oblivious to Loki's discomfort.  
"You can't be bothered to dress properly before leaving your bed chamber?" he said pointedly.  
Thor looked down on himself, somewhat confused.  
"This is not appropriate? I was not aware."  
"It's perfectly fine," Tony assured him. "There's no rule saying you can't be comfortable. Maleficient's just a little cranky today."  
Loki gave him another glare with narrowing eyes.

Thor's exposed muscles were an impressive sight, but she took care not letting her eyes linger too long. With _someone_ in a sensitive mood it could be taken the wrong way.

"So what are you all going to do today?" she asked casually.  
"I'll put in another couple of hours at the workshop," Tony said, refilling his coffee mug.  
"Tony..." Bruce said warningly, "When did you last get some sleep?"  
"Exactly 26 hours and 33 minutes ago," JARVIS informed helpfully.  
"Traitor," Tony muttered and sipped his coffee.  
Bruce just shook his head.

"I will be making a visit to Jane," Thor announced, looking quite happy at the prospect. Perhaps I can convince her to come back here for the evening."  
"That would be nice," she said politely. There was a constant deficit of women in the tower, and sometimes she felt like she was choking on all the testosterone.  
"I hope you're not planning on flying over the city like _that_ ," Loki said.

It wasn't just the naked chest; Thor's pyjama pants were of an unfortunately soft fabric and just a bit too revealing.  
"Of course not," Thor said, smiling benevolently. "I intend to get dressed before leaving."  
"Thank the Norns," Loki murmured.

In the end it was only the three of them left in the kitchen; Bruce and Tony left for their respective locations. Thor took a seat at the table with his coffee.  
"Is something bothering you this morning?" he asked while beginning to peel one of the eggs he had stacked on his plate.  
"And why would you think that?" Loki said sarcastically. "Because the people in this place take pleasure in exposing their naked flesh while taking their meals?"  
"You didn't mind mine when you were the only one seeing it," she said.  
Thor's eyes widened.

_Crap!_

She shut her mouth, but it was too late. Thor's eyes wandered between them and it didn't take many seconds before he'd worked it out. Not an ambiguous joke this time.  
"Am I right in assuming," he said carefully, "that it is no mere coincidence that the two of you are breaking your fast at the same time?"  
"You can assume whatever you wish," Loki said, looking into the wall.  
"Ehm... yeah," she admitted sheepishly. "Sorry, Thor. If you want to give me the shovel talk I'm all ears."  
A smile played on Thor's lips.  
"I would hardly think that to be necessary."  
"Oh, does that mean we have your _blessing_?" Loki snorted. "How generous of you."  
"There is no need to be hostile," Thor said. "I'm happy for you, that is all." He was still smiling. Probably saw it coming from miles away. Or at least since that time he dropped in on them while Loki was resting on her couch.

The next half hour felt somewhat awkward. Loki remained annoyed at both of them for the lack of proper clothing, and Thor kept smiling, surprisingly pleased with the development. She still remembered him warning her for Loki not being "stable" a few months back. Whatever had changed Thor's mind he was not concerned about their relationship anymore.

Encouraging as it was, she didn't expect the others to be quite so accepting.


	18. Reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discussions on how to make a good impression.

"Empath girl does have a nice ring to it."  
"No, Tony. If you have to give me a super hero name, at least come up with something that doesn't sound like a TV show from the seventies."  
"Hey, don't dismiss those! What about Queen of Minds?"  
"No. I don't go out saving the world like you guys. What do I need a flashy name for?"

She would feel utterly ridiculous. Hopefully Tony wasn't serious about the idea.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. might decide to advertise you a bit more," he said. "Show that we're not all potential threats with no supervision."  
"And telling people I can _enter their minds_ is so going to calm them down," she said sarcastically. " Sure, I can't see that going wrong."  
"Wasn't my idea," Tony shrugged. "I figure they'd gloss over that little detail. You're a healer; you use your power for good, and all that."  
"So do you. So does Bruce. It doesn't stop those politicians from spinning things the way they want."  
"Anyway, S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to think we need some good publicity now, with Reindeer Games going along on missions where people could see him."  
"They haven't recognized him yet," she pondered, "but I guess that's just a matter of time."

The newssites were already speculating about who the additional Avenger might be, though noone had managed to get a picture of him. Photos got strangely blurry whenever a camera or cell phone was used in his vicinity.

She knew Tony wasn't completely comfortable with Loki's ability to disrupt Earthly technology, especially since Loki refused to explain how he did it. "Magic" wasn't an adequate answer in Tony's opinion.

She wondered how people would react. It was inevitable that the truth would come out sooner or later. The original plan had been to not let Loki near any public place, but that was quickly failing since it became appearant how useful he could be. Even if they didn't fully trust him he was a valuable asset and he did, to everybody's surprise, cooperate with them quite well when things got serious.

* * *

She went to search for Loki and found him, of all places, in the bath.  
"Showers are too efficient for you now?" she asked, leaning against the doorway.  
"This is for relaxing," he said, closing his eyes again. He had his arms behind his head, looking every inch of lavishly contented. "You are free to join me, of course."  
"Are you sure? You look quite comfortable on your own."  
"Jealous, darling?" he smirked, then separated his knees to make space. "There is a place for you right here."

Well, it was not like she had anything better to do, and admiring his arm muscles were less satisfying than actually touching them. She stripped out of her clothes and carefully settled in between his legs. He gently pulled her back against his chest till her head rested on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Loki caressed her upper arms with his hands.  
"I don't recognize this scent," she said. Whatever it was it was pleasant, that much was certain.  
"It's a scented salt we use in Asgard. It has relaxing properties."  
"For the body or the mind?" she asked, because she was almost starting to feel a bit drunk from the fumes.  
"Both, in fact. It may be a bit potent for a mortal. I'd better make sure you don't slip under water." The last was said with a teasing voice. He nuzzled her ear affectionately.  
"Mmm..." This was incredibly pleasant; the sensual feeling of his body against hers, the water that was more on the cool side, but still warm enough to be comfortable. Loki also seemed unusually cuddly, so the salt did seem to have an effect on him.

Again her thoughts touched on how precious it was that she was the only one who got to see this side of him. The relaxed side. The carefree one. So far from what he showed the rest of the world.

His hands wandered over her ribs and her belly, sliding slowly over the skin. It was somewhat erotic, yet felt mostly... caring, in lack of a better world. Sex was clearly not the first thing on his mind right now. She sighed in pleasure and could feel him smile.  
"You wished to talk to me about something?" he said without stopping the caressing movements.  
"Right, I forgot." She leaned in to touch her cheek to his. "I was thinking about how people will react when they find out who you are."  
"This worries you?"  
"A little bit. People died back at the invasion; there were a lot of hard feelings. Things like that don't go away in a couple of years."  
"Of course not." He delayed before speaking, seemed to ponder her words. "There is little I can do about their sentiment. Some will not change despite what I contribute in doing for them now. Others may see it differently."  
"Like you're paying a debt."  
"Something like that. I believe your S.H.I.E.L.D. is delaying my introduction for that very reason. They want me to be seen doing as many 'good deeds' as possible before revealing who I am."

He seemed amused at that notion. She lazily slid her hands along his legs, leaving them to rest under his knees.  
"I just hope the reaction won't be too violent," she said. "This being an election year and all, it's not the best time to reveal something controversial."  
"Your idea of electing your leaders is a risky one, but it has some entertainment value," he mused. "How they keep trying to outdo each other to win the people's approval."  
"You're not impressed?"  
"Not particularly."

She wanted to talk more about the possible scenarios once the truth would come out, but it seemed less and less important. Everything was so pleasant and comfortable she could just float away. She didn't even notice sliding downwards until her chin was under water and Loki pulled her up again.  
"Shit! This stuff is dangerous."  
Loki chuckled.  
"As I thought, too potent for a mortal. I would not advice using it while alone."  
"No kidding! I'm so relaxed I can barely move."  
"Hmm... perhaps I should take advantage of that," he said and stroke the inside of her thigh.

A door flung open nearby and Loki sighed.  
"Thor. When will he learn to...?"  
But it wasn't Thor's voice that reached them through the open bathroom door.  
"You guys, I have something you'll..."  
Tony stopped in his tracks, took in the scene and covered his eyes.  
"JARVIS, how about giving me some warning about what I was walking into?"  
"I did suggest knocking, sir, but you chose to ignore it."  
"Next time, be a little less subtle about it. You wouldn't want me to burn my eyes out, would you?"  
"Certainly not, sir."

He disappeared again and they heard the door close. Silence fell.  
"Well," she said, "I guess the truth is well and truly out now."


	19. Threats and cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the truth is out, what can you do but... bake?

The truth was indeed out. Once Tony knew, everybody knew. It was not as if they were surprised; those who didn't think she and Loki were intimate already had seen it as simply a matter of time. They were wary about it of course. Steve avoided looking at them when in the same room, Tony gave her looks that were almost accusing ("How come you didn't tell me? We're supposed to be friends, right? Seriously, you told Thor, but not me?") and Bruce gave Loki suspicious glances, green threat implied.

It made for some hilariously awkward days. At least Loki found them hilarious. When he caught somebody's gaze he would smile like he was immensely pleased with himself and what he'd accomplished. He resembled a cat who'd managed to stake out new territory.

"And this has been going on how long?" Fury asked in a one-on-one conversation.  
"Ehm... for a week or two," she said vaguely. "It's not a big deal."  
"And you think this is wise?" His tone suggested he certainly didn't think so.  
"I wasn't aware we're not allowed to have personal relationships within the team," she said curtly, "and, for the record, I'm not a part of the team."  
"That is not the point, and you very well know that. This is about Loki."

Of course, it was always about Loki.

"So what about him? Why isn't he allowed to have relationships, if everyone else can. Both Tony and Thor..."  
"Because Loki is still a potential threat to everyone here. Our alliance with him is highly unstable and we need to be careful not to jeopardize it."  
"So you're worried I will break his heart and make him go homicidal again?" She didn't bother suppressing the snarky tone.  
Fury looked at her intently.  
"Is it serious?"  
"Well, we don't exactly have marriage plans, but... yes, it is somewhat serious." She was not happy with this conversation. It was intrusive and felt uncomfortably close to an interrogation.  
"Is Thor aware of this?"  
"Yes, as a matter of fact he is."  
"And he approves?"  
"Appearently. He used the word 'happy' when he heard." She was pleased to see the look on Fury's face at that. It was like he'd sucked on a lemon.  
"I would advice you to be very careful, and if I hear anything suggesting that this relationship puts other's at risk, in any way whatsoever, I will take measures to deal with it."  
"How?" she slipped out, getting irritated at his tone as much as the threat.  
"You will be sure to find out," he said and left.

* * *

"I know how to operate Midgardian equipment," she heard Loki's exasperated voice as she approached the common kitchen. "I simply don't care for that vile brew you seem to enjoy so much."  
"You should try it with milk and sugar," Thor suggested. "It softens the flavour."  
"I don't need the flavour _softened_. I'm not a child because my preferences happen to differ from those of your precious mortals."  
"That is not what I meant, Loki, as you are well aware. I would never call you a child. Why do you insist on twisting everything I...?"

She wondered if it would be wise to enter now, or if the bickering would escalate into a full scale fight. If furniture was about to start flying it was better not to be in the vicinity.

She took the risk and walked in.  
As expected they were standing by the coffee maker, Thor with a mug in his hand, decorated with a heart and the text: "You're my favourite" (seriously, where did Tony find those silly mugs?), and Loki standing opposite him, clenching his fist in frustration. 

_Uh-oh_

"Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I just had a conversation I'd rather forget, so I'm going to drown my sorrows in baking." She deliberately ignored their argument and headed for the cupboards.  
"With whom?" Loki immediately asked, eyes narrowing.  
"Fury," she informed, well aware that the man in question had left the building. No risk of confrontation there. "He doesn't approve of our 'relationship'."  
"Why in the world not?" Thor asked, seeming genuinely surprised.  
"Because if Loki gets disappointed in me the planet goes to hell? Something along those lines, I don't even know."  
Loki laughed. Thor looked at him with a frown.  
"You find this amusing, brother?"  
Loki leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed.  
"Oh, it's hilarious. The mortal realm hangs in the balance if she disappoints me. Perhaps we should stage a little argument in front of the director next time he visits. It would be most entertaining to see his reaction."

It had to be Loki to see the fun in such a situation, but she was secretely grateful for it; it took the edge of her discomfort about the whole thing.  
"I'm making peanut cookies," she announced, "and this time _someone_ will not steal all of them before anyone else gets a chance." She side-eyed Thor.  
"I would never do such a thing," Thor protested.  
"So this is why Stark keeps a cookie jar in his workshop," Loki observed.  
She frowned.  
"How would you know? You're not allowed in there."  
"I have my ways," Loki smirked and moved a strand of hair back behind his ear. "Your cookies are delicious, darling."

The argument seemed forgotten, which was a relief. She'd had enough of tension for a day.

"So Tony took my cookies, and then you lifted them," she concluded.  
"Merely a few," Loki said dismissively. "There were only so many left."  
She quietly shook her head. Imaginary tigers, cookie thieves and people who couldn't be bothered to knock. It was like living in a nursery school. And these folks were supposed to save the world.


	20. Attacked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you have a bad day, and everybody finds out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W. Attempted sexual assault and victim blaming. Read with care!  
> Extra long chapter, but there was no better cut-off point.

If Fury had bothered to stay around longer, or if Clint hadn't been so biased when reporting on the situation, he would have noticed that Loki was in a good mood and almost pleasant to deal with. He still played tricks on people, but in mostly harmless ways, and he didn't fly off the handle if someone happened to touch him. Tony made a less than subtle comment about sexual frustration being resolved, which Loki fortunately wasn't around to hear, but it actually seemed like the relationship had a positive impact. 

Then the attack happened.

She was to spend most of the day at S.H.I.E.L.D. so she left the tower in the early morning. It was in the afternoon things took an unexpectedly bad turn.

The agent was in his late twenties with a slightly disrespectful attitude. She didn't think much about it at first; not everyone believed in healing and some people just didn't have it in them to be polite about things they didn't care for. The session, however, was part of a research project and the man didn't need to believe in the therapy to participate in it.

She hadn't been given much information beforehand; for scientific purposes she was to know as little as possible about the people she would be working with. The only thing the file said was "issues with authority" and some other terms that, in her experience, could mean anything.

His eyes didn't leave her after she'd introduced herself and sat down. Once she started explaining what she was about to do he displayed a small, condescending smile that she didn't appreciate.  
Then he interrupted her.  
"Nice and private in here," he said, glancing over the small room.  
"Yes."  
His eyes met hers with a suggestive smile.  
"I bet I can guess which your favourite drink is."

_Dude! That's so bad it's just lazy._

"I don't have one," she said neutrally. "What I need you to do..."  
"I know! Something sweet. You're that type of girl who likes sweet, exotic drinks. You want to feel special but you don't really believe in yourself. You know, you could be really attractive if you just..."  
She winced on the inside, but took care not to show anything. If the guy had been taking P.U.A. courses he should demand his money back.  
"We only have 40 minutes, so we better get started," she cut him off, sounding as polite as she could under the circumstances.

He went quiet for a while but didn't drop the attitude. Ten minutes into the healing she was trying to focus when he started again.  
"What about we finish this early and go off having that drink, huh?"  
"No thanks."  
He laughed.  
"That camera doesn't work, you know," he pointed towards a corner of the ceiling. "Nobody will know if we leave a bit early."  
She sighed.  
"I don't have time for this. Either we do what we are here for, or you can leave. It's your call."  
He kept looking at her, but with a slight shift in demeanor.  
"Separating work and play, are we? You need to loosen up a bit." He leaned forward. "I know just how."

This time she didn't bother hiding her exasperated sigh, just stood up and waited for him to take the hint and leave. If needed she would leave herself. The next session wasn't scheduled until more than an hour from now. She could do with a break after this disaster.

_I hate S.H.I.E.L.D._

He got up slowly but didn't head for the door. Instead he approached her and took hold of her arm. She instinctively twisted it, making him loose his grip.  
"Get out!" she said. He grabbed her around the waist instead and she tried to knee him in the groin, but missed. Next thing she was slammed face first into a wall. He twisted her arm behind her back, which hurt like hell.  
"Like it rough?" he said. Pain pierced through her cheekbone, making it difficult to think. "If you find aliens so exciting you must be a kinky little slut."

_What the fuck?_

She struggled to get free but didn't succeed. The sound of a zipper opening reached her ears. Suddenly he spun her around and tried to push her to her knees. She let herself fall limp and took advantage of his surprise, pushing away from the wall and almost getting back on her feet before he caught up with her. His fist hit her hard enough to split her lip, but she managed to avoid the full impact of it.

With the camera out of function her best chance was to get to the door and out of the room. The hallway outside barely had any foot traffic, so she couldn't rely on the noise being heard by anyone.

Ignoring the pain she squirmed away when he tried to get a grip on her. She was almost by the door when he got a hold of her leg. Bending her other knee she kicked him full force in the face. It was pure luck that she was wearing ankle boots with heels that day. Most days she would go for sneakers. The howl of pain told her she'd hit home, and she managed to work her leg free and scramble to her feet, ripping the door open and stumble out in the hallway.

* * *

They cleaned her up and took her statement.  
"Why didn't you try to diffuse the situation?"  
"I was busy fighting for my life," she said, not bothering to hide the sarcasm.  
"Before that, did you do anything to provoke him?"  
She rolled her eyes.  
"Yes, I existed. I had the audacity to not be interested in him. Take your pick."  
The interviewer looked at her with a stern face:  
"I would suggest you don't treat this as a joke. His behaviour was out of line, nobody questions that, but a man may loose sight in an eye because you let the situation get out of hand."

_Oh for heaven's sake!_

"Good, I hope it's permanent," she said sharply. "Can I go now?"  
The interviewer gave her a sour face, but let her go.

She wondered if a functioning camera would have made a difference. Probably not by much.

It was a long ride home and people were staring. She couldn't wait to get away from it all.

* * *

Once home she made a quick detour to the common kitchen before continuing to her own floor. She'd rather avoid the others, but she also had a serious craving for ice cream right now. No luck. It was mere seconds before Bruce walked into the kitchen and spotted her, noticing the obvious.  
"What happened to you?" And then: "Did Loki do this?"  
"No! Why do you think...? Hell, no!"

That was just offensive. And unfair.

"You have a bruise around your eye and a broken lip. Don't tell me that came from walking into a door!"

She _had_ actually planned on using that excuse. Should have thought of something more original.

Bruce looked like he was about to get upset. That would not turn out well for anyone.  
"It was someone at S.H.I.E.L.D.," she said, avoiding his gaze. "It's no big deal."  
"At S.H.I.E.L.D.?" He sounded doubtful, still suspecting Loki, no doubt.  
"I was to do healing sessions with a few of their agents today. It's part of a research project. One of those guys thought healing meant something else."

She noticed Tony had stepped into the kitchen as well. There were no secrets to be kept in this house.  
"What the hell did he do?"  
She sighed, really not in the mood for a detailed account of the event in question.  
"Let's just say that rumours have spread about my intimate life, and since I'm willing to jump into bed with someone from another planet I'm supposedly open to anything. You can imagine the rest. Some guys don't like being told to back off."

She grabbed a spoon and prepared to leave before they could ask more questions.

Loki stood in the doorway.

_Shit!_

"I dealt with it," she said quickly. "He was in the infirmery when I left, because I beat the crap out of him. There is no need to do anything."  
"What is his name?" Loki's voice was deceptively void of emotion.  
"It doesn't matter," she said, feeling the dread creeping up along her spine. "I've dealt with it."  
"Loki... " Bruce started, but was blatantly ignored.  
"What is the name of the man who assaulted you?"

Oh crap, this was all going to hell quickly.

"I'm not going to tell you," she said stubbornly.  
Loki walked silently across the floor, stopping to look at her injuries. His finger traced her broken lip.  
"Why are you protecting him?" he asked, eyes narrowing.  
"I'm not, he can rot in hell for all I care. Do you know what will happen if you attack one of their agents? For whatever reason?"

Of course he knew. He just didn't find it important.

"I will find out for myself," he said gently, kissed her cheek and left.  
"Is anybody going to stop him?" Tony asked, subtly implying it was not going to be him.  
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose.  
"Let's just hope he calms down before he gets there. Whatever Loki is he isn't stupid, he wouldn't just storm in there and kill an agent in front of everyone."  
"Are you sure?" she asked, on the verge of following, but knowing on some level that Bruce was right. Loki wasn't likely to just walk in there, no... but he would do _something_. There was an ice cube's chance in hell that he would just let things go.

Damn it, she so wished this day hadn't happened.


	21. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the aftermath.

It wasn't long before Loki came back.

She was sitting on her bed, wearing only a robe, ice cream eaten, shower had. Her face ached, her arm ached. She couldn't focus on anything, just aimlessly flipping through the magazine in her hands.  
"Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid," she said when he entered.  
"I did not do anything stupid," he assured, sitting down next to her on the bed.  
She searched his face.  
"You didn't kill anyone?"  
"I can assure you I did no such thing."

That was a relief. She felt herself relax a bit.  
"So what were you doing when you were away?" she asked curiously.  
"Merely reconnaisance," he said with a dismissive tone. "Watching and listening."  
"At S.H.I.E.L.D.? Can't imagine they were happy to see you." She could picture their faces when Loki suddenly strolled in with neither an escort nor a forewarning. That would have set off security big time.  
"I moved about discreetly. Appearantly the man who attacked you has a reputation of sort."

Well, guess that wasn't surprising.

"Loki... I really don't want you to get in trouble over this. I had a really bad day and... just leave it be."  
"Don't worry, love." He put an arm around her and she tried her best not to flinch from the contact. "I will not do anything to cause you grief." He kissed her temple gently.

After a while he excused himself and left and she tried to get back to her magazine, but it was a waste of time. Instead she got dressed and went upstairs to the penthouse, seeking distraction. What she found was alarming, to say the least.

Clint was pressed up against the wall with Loki's hand around his neck, any attempts at removing it failing, while Thor and Bruce frantically were trying to defuse the situation. Tony was nowhere to be seen. Either he wasn't home, or he was getting his suit.  
"Loki," Thor pleaded, attempting to get Loki's attention. "Let him go, brother! You don't wish to do this!"

"What the fuck is going on?" she exclaimed as she took in the scene. Loki's teeth were showing, and he looked wild-eyed and dangerous. Bruce tried to reason with him, which had no more effect than Thor's attempt. He simply ignored them, totally focused on Clint.  
"And you found it _wise_ to go around spreading these lies to anyone who cared to listen?" he hissed.  
"I didn't lie," Clint tried, desperately clawing at the hand holding him in an iron grip. His feet were barely touching the floor. "I never said she'd sleep with anyone just because... cause she had something with you."  
"And what business was it of theirs, may I ask?" Loki's voice was now silken calm, but noone could miss the ice underneath.  
"None. I didn't think..."  
"Indeed. You didn't think. You did not stop to think there might be consequenses to your careless words."

"Loki," she tried. She'd never seen him this volatile before. "Can you please let him go?"

_Yeah, that gotta do it. Ask nicely._

She silenced the sarcastic voice in her head and walked up to them on shaky legs.

Tony appeared, wearing only a glove. Right, he had mentioned something about taking the suits apart for an upgrade or another. Nice timing. She tried to ignore him as well as the others. Loki would walk out of a fight virtually unharmed, that was not what she was worried about.

Clint got his eyes on her.  
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear."  
"I know," she said, suddenly feeling tired and sad. "I know you didn't mean it. Just... Loki, let him go, please."  
Loki removed his hand after a warning squeeze and Clint dropped to the floor, coughing and panting. Knowing Loki's strength, that squeeze could easily have crushed his windpipe.  
"Learn to hold your tongue or I will rip it out for you," Loki spat and turned away from him. From the look of it, nobody doubted that he meant it.

He grabbed her by the waist and dragged her out of there, away from the others. He didn't stop until they were at his floor, in his own rooms. Then he turned towards her, her back against the wall.  
"This is what happens when you're involved with me."  
"Loki..."  
"Don't you see? This... and worse."

He was holding his hands on her arms, effectively pinning her against the wall.

"It's not your fault," she argued.  
"Yet it happened because of me. And neither was I there to help when you needed it."  
She closed her eyes in exasperation.  
"You can't watch me every minute. You're too upset; you're not thinking straight."  
He pursed his lips, tensing up.  
"You don't think I notice that you flinch from my touch?"  
"It's not you, it's..."  
"Because of what that brute did to you!" He made a frustrated sigh and took her in his arms, a little too roughly to be comfortable. She found that she didn't mind; somehow it felt like what she needed right now. Loki was usually quite gentle with her, despite their vast physical differences, but at the moment she needed something more and she hadn't realized it until this instant. Some of the anxiety began dissolving in his grip, slowly melting away.

"It's not your fault," she murmured against his neck.  
"I wasn't there," he whispered back, mouth in her hair. She could feel his heartbeat; he was still upset, shaking almost.  
"But you're here now."

She ended up falling asleep with him in the bed. Earlier than normal, but once the tension started giving way she basically collapsed from tiredness.

Some time during the night she woke up from Loki reentering the bed and wrapping his long limbs around her.  
"Did you just shower?" she wondered, touching his damp hair.  
"Shh. Sleep, love." She faded out again, not remembering anything else.

The next morning she woke up well rested, feeling like she'd been sleeping for ages. When she arrived upstairs she was told that the man who had attacked her at S.H.I.E.L.D. had mysteriously disappeared from the infirmery. Camera surveillance showed that he had left with a medical assistant nobody recognized. One who looked nothing like Loki.

She made the conscious decision not to ask.

She only hoped the body never would turn up.


	22. Impairment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to work, some visitors and more chocolate.

Fury dropped by to see her in between two sessions.  
"I will assume there is a reason you brought your boyfriend?"

Loki was sitting outside, making a show of inspecting his dagger whenever anyone walked by. People were taking detours around him as wide as the hallway permitted.

"I didn't bring him, he insisted on coming," she said, being busy making notes.  
"I've been informed of what happened. We can have a guard posted outside the room if that is what's required to make you more comfortable."  
"Loki doesn't trust your guards," she said sharply, " and I'm not sure I do either. You know it was one of your _agents_ who attacked me, right?"  
"Yes, I'm aware. One who has mysteriously disappeared. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"  
"No, because I was spending that night in my 'boyfriend's' bed, so if you're trying to pin it on any of us, don't bother." She said that with a straight face. The less details given, the better.  
"It is unfortunate what happened. It is being dealt with."  
"Good. As long as you're also dealing with the guy who took my statement, because his attitude... it was just despicable." She leaned back and crossed her arms.  
"We are. Several of your friends have stated that they are unimpressed with the incident and how it was handled. As for Loki, his presence is putting quite a few people here on edge. I suggest you leave him home next time."  
"If you'd rather I don't come in either," she said, looking him in the eye. "I don't see Loki backing off any time soon, no matter what I say or do."

Frankly, Loki hadn't been keen on her going back to S.H.I.E.L.D. at all, and under no circumstances was he letting her go alone. She didn't bother to fight him over it, knowing a lost cause when she saw one, and she found that she liked having him there. Not for protection as much as for his very presence. When she had a break she could go talk to him, or hug him, or whatever she felt up to at the time. It kept her in a good mood to simply have him close.

* * *

Just as Fury left Natasha entered instead.  
"How do you feel?" she asked.  
"Alright." She shrugged, knowing better than trying to pretend things were better than they were. "It's not as bad as I thought."  
"You didn't have to come back, you know. There's no obligation."  
"No," she said, "but I need the money. I don't have many ways of making an income."  
Natasha nodded.  
"I saw your file," she said.

Of course S.H.I.E.L.D. would have a file on her; they had files on everyone.

"It's no secret," she said. "I just don't see much reason to talk about it."  
"When people learn things about you they sometimes change, become more careful... or more protective." Natasha glanced towards the door. "Does he know?"  
She shook her head.  
"It hasn't come up. I don't even know if they have something similar in Asgard, or what they would call it."  
"It's nothing shameful, you know."  
She rolled her eyes.  
"I know that. It just hasn't come up."

* * *

When her last subject left she gathered her things and went out to join Loki in the hallway.  
"You're still not bored?" she asked.  
"Not particularly," he said and stood, looking her over with an examining eye before reaching out and gently tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.  
"Have you eaten, at least?" she wondered, feeling slightly guilty about having him sit guard like this.  
He made a disgusted face.  
"The treats from their appliances are appalling. I don't see how you can ingest such atrocities."  
"Your taste is too sophisticated for this place," she said, amused. "I think we need to get you some dark chocolate instead."

Loki looked positively delighted at the prospect, but managed to restrain himself.  
"You are tired; I should be taking you home."  
"We can pick up the chocolate on the way," she suggested. "It's not much of a detour."

They started walking towards the exit, ignoring the people who curiously eyed them before quickly moving out of the way. Knowing Loki he probably enjoyed their wariness. He also held a possessive hand on her lower back as they walked.

"The Widow came to see you," he said as they stepped outside.  
"That she did," she confirmed, waiting to hear what he was getting at.  
"She has certain knowledge about you."

_Sigh!_

"You were listening, weren't you?"  
"I was under no assumption that your interaction was meant to be private."  
"No, it wasn't. She was referring to... Do you know what ADD is?"  
"I am not familiar with the term."

She thought it over in her head, trying to figure out how to best explain.

"It's short for Attention Deficit Disorder. It's not a big deal; it just means I have trouble focusing at times. And I loose things, forget where I put them."  
"I have noticed," he said.

_Of course you have. Noone can be oblivious to my loosing things._

"It also means... I have trouble working like normal people do. I can't do the nine to five thing. So I have to find other ways to support myself."

This was usually where people became sceptic. 

_"Can't work? That's ridiculous. Everybody can work, if they really want to."_

Loki didn't say anything. Of course, he was of another culture; maybe they had a different view on things.

"So how do you survive?" he finally asked.  
"S.H.I.E.L.D. pays well for the research, since they don't come across empaths very often. Before I used to take temporary jobs, or write articles... anything I could find that would pay a little, and then combine them. You have to be creative and... at least I'm good at that."

They took public transport, which Loki was less than enthusiastic over, till they were close to the store where she usually bought her chocolate. From there it was walking distance to the tower. She was glad for the distraction. Talking about her disability was never completely comfortable, especially since it was an invisible one and there were those who denied it's existence all together.

"This is why you had to go back," he concluded as they resumed the earlier conversation. "You are dependent on S.H.I.E.L.D. for supporting yourself."  
"For now, anyway. I'm saving up a little, since Tony lets me live in the tower for free. Officially I'm paying by giving him healing sessions, but it's just so I won't feel bad."  
"Does he know about your... impairment?"  
"I haven't told him, but he may well have figured it out. Wouldn't surprise me if he's read my file either."

The revelation seemed to have given Loki a lot to think about, but there was no doubt he was taking her seriously. That was a relief.

She was looking forward to coming home. The day had been tiring and now was when she really started to feel it.  
"You need to rest," Loki said, perceptive as always.  
"If you join me I'll let you eat chocolate from my navel," she slipped out before she could stop herself.  
He cocked an eyebrow before smiling in a most anticipatory way.  
"Now... that brings up quite a few possibilities, doesn't it? I do hope we have enough."


	23. Unspoken terrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki needs a hug - and a towel

Even if Loki slept decently in her presence he still had his share of nightmares. The kind resembling a panic attack were rare, but another sort, she soon found out, were a common occurrence. It would start with him jerking in his sleep. If she wasn't already awake for some reason she might not have noticed it. Once it got more violent, or he began to moan, it would disrupt her own sleep and make her aware of what was happening.

She would put a hand on his cheek to soothe him out of it, a method that seemed to work most of the time. It either calmed him down or woke him up enough to snap out of it. Sometimes it was harder though. He wouldn't react to the softer approach and that was when she got a glimpse of the real terrors haunting him.

This time she woke up fairly late in the process. He was already moaning and making attempts at clenching his fists. As she touched his cheek he let out a sound of discomfort and stiffened, breathing becoming short and shallow. She sat up and pushed at his shoulder to stir him out of it, but it had as little effect as the gentler attempt. He was too deep into it to be reached.  
"Loki... wake up!"  
He turned away and curled up on his side, revealing the faint scars on his back as the covers slipped down. She still didn't know what had caused any of them. When she turned on the light they were clearly visible to her eye and she had to wonder if there was a connection.

"It's just a dream. Wake up!" She shook him more roughly, but it only ellicited a protest and some words she couldn't make out.

There was one last resort she hadn't tried, and probably shouldn't, but it really bothered her to see him suffer. Without taking her hands of him she closed her eyes and focused, letting go of rational thought and allowing the emotional side to take over. Slowly she sank into his mind like a body through water. Not judging, not forcing; simply letting the impressions pass through her.

It wasn't pretty, what she felt. Fear, hatred, desperation; a struggle to be free of bonds. A battle between ice and fire. She wasn't sure what that meant, but he was fighting two battles at once; different elements creating a new terror.

That wasn't unusual with dreams. Often a dream, or a nightmare, would contain elements from completely different memories, but there was something more going on that she didn't know how to make sense of. It was almost like he was fighting himself, or something inside himself, as well as an external force. He couldn't win that way, only be trapped in an endless cycle without ever coming out on top.

She reached in and pulled at his attention, gently, urging him to let go and follow her to the surface instead. It was a delicate process. Too fast and he would see her as another threat and resist, too slow and she might loose the contact and have to start over again.

She knew he was back when he stilled under her hands and the sense of urgency faded away. That's when she withdrew from his mind and opened her eyes.

He didn't move for almost a minute, after which he sat up and put his bare feet on the floor. He leaned forward, resting his face in his hands for a few moments, before getting up and walking out without saying a word. She heard the shower turning on and waited. A hand on the bed confirmed that the sheets on his side were soaked through with sweat.  
She got up to change them, expecting him to be back any moment.

She was a little worried about what she had done, having gone against his explicit wish to leave his mind alone, but there had been good reason. She sincerely hoped he would forgive her.

In the end she grew more concerned and went into the bathroom to see what was keeping him. She found him sitting on the floor under the streaming water, back against the wall, legs bent and arms wrapped around himself. The water was ice cold.

She turned it off before lowering herself to his level and searching his face.  
"How are you feeling?"  
He rubbed his face and sighed. She touched him and quickly reached for a towel.  
"You're freezing cold!" she exclaimed. She knew Loki preferred cold water over warm, probably something to do with his lower body temperature, but this was ridiculous.  
"Oh, this is nowhere near me freezing," he said in a bitter tone she didn't understand. She tried to wrap the large towel around him though he didn't seem to care enough to cooperate. His hair was dripping all over his face and shoulders which he didn't seem to care about either.  
"Come back to bed, please! You've been here long enough."  
He took a long shivering breath but didn't move. She hesitated for a moment then sat down on the dry floor next to the shower.  
"Are you angry because of what I did?" she asked.  
He blinked.  
"Of course not."  
"Then what is it? What's wrong?"  
He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.  
"I cannot..." He clenched his jaw before speaking again. "I cannot speak of this."  
"Why not?" She tried to be patient, not letting her worry take over.  
He delayed with the answer.  
"There are matters you are better unaware of."  
She reached out to put a hand on his arm.  
"You do know that I care about you, right? I did that long before we started sleeping together."  
He let out a bitter huff.  
"Then you're a fool! I warned you being involved with me would only cause you grief."  
"Not only," she wanted to answer, but rational arguments wouldn't work in this situation. She kept her hand in it's place since he made no indication of shaking it off. It was odd how the cold didn't seem to bother him. He didn't even get goosebumps.

The best thing to do, she decided, was to simply wait. She stayed in place, leaning her shoulder against the wall, and occasionally stroke Loki's arm with her thumb to remind him she was there. Time passed, she didn't know how much, but he eventually began to shift and leaned forward with a deep sigh. She stroke his hair.  
"Will you come back to bed?"  
"If you still want me." He fiddled with the towel, making some faint attempts at drying himself properly before getting to his feet. She stood and followed him back to the bedroom.

"I can leave you alone for the night if you desire," he said, stopping next to the bed.  
"Why? I don't want you to leave now."  
He didn't answer, only got back under the covers and made a small gesture, magically drying his hair before lowering his head onto the pillow. She got in beside him and snuggled up close with her arms around him, which he allowed.  
"I had not wanted for you to witness this," he said. "I didn't wish to upset you."  
"You're too proud for you own good, I think," she replied, cutting through the careful facade he put up. "You just don't want me to see you like this."  
His mouth twitched.  
"I admit I'd rather you see me in... my better moments.  
"It's not the first time it's happened, is it?"  
"It is not. It occured less often after I took to sleep in your company, and so I did not expect it to happen at such a time."

He was still a bit too cold for comfort, but she endured it, resisting the urge to shiver. It felt like she was holding something very fragile in her hands, like the wrong word or movement could be too easily misinterpreted. Loki didn't trust easily, and he didn't like showing vulnerability to anyone.

She wanted to ask if this had been the kind of dream he'd experienced back when he fell asleep on her couch, the kind that he believed was connected with the alien forces approaching, but wasn't sure it was the best thing to bring up. Perhaps tomorrow, when there was more distance to the night's events.  
"I love you," she said instead.


	24. Morning call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day breaks, and some actions have consequenses.

It had taken time, and some rather intense love making, to fall back asleep after the ordeal. She woke up to daylight, Loki's hair tickling her face as he was still asleep with his head on her shoulder and an arm around her waist. Not wanting to wake him yet, she remained where she was, looking at the ceiling while her thoughts wandered.

She hadn't realized how serious the problem was, mostly because Loki had so vehemently refused to talk about it. Now it was too obvious to ignore. She needed to know more.   
She _wanted_ to know more.

Knowing how easy Loki usually was to wake she remained as still as possible, resisting the temptation to stroke his dark hair and immerse her fingers in it. He had more than once expressed his amusement with her fondness of it, especially in the mornings. At daytime he preferred to slick his hair back to keep it out of his face, but at night it dissolved into wayward curls that gave him a much softer look, especially since he insisted on keeping it long.

Sleeping peacefully he also looked younger, reminding her how young he actually was in comparative terms. No more than a young adult.

_What happened to you that hardened you so much, so fast?_

Her fingertips were resting on one of his scars, standing out raggedly against the smooth skin.

_Will you ever tell me?_

He made a movement, sighing as his hand caressed her side lazily. 

Sensual like a cat.

"Are you alright?" she asked softly.  
He turned on his back and stretched, taking the cat likeness further.  
"I am well enough." He pulled her on top of him so they were lying chest to chest, looking into each others eyes. "I am sorry for disrupting your sleep, love. However I cannot promise it won't happen again."  
"Oh, Loki..." She almost shook her head at him. "You know that's not the problem."  
He smiled mischievously.  
"There are more than one way to deal with problems, darling. Some more pleasurable than others." Holding her against him his other hand wandered down and stroke her backside eagerly, reaching in between her legs. She shivered at the unexpected and all too sensual contact. It brought back memories of what they'd done merely hours earlier.  
"Don't distract me! I see what you're doing."  
"Do you, now?" He kissed her, taking her lower lip teasingly between his own.

There was no doubt in her mind that he was trying to keep her from broaching the subject of his nightmares, or specifically their origin. Not that he didn't enjoy what he was doing to her as well.  
"We need to talk," she said, intending to sound firm.  
"After," he murmured and touched his mouth to a sensitive spot under her ear.

_Oh, damn it!_

"No, now." She struggled to get off him, which of course was futile. "I swear, if you don't talk to me I'm going to wear lowcut pants for three days straight, _and_ a crop top. Everyone will see my..."  
Loki pulled her with him and sat up. She ended up straddling him, which wasn't exactly calming things down.  
"You really would, wouldn't you?" he said grimly.  
"You bet I would."

She could see him thinking, and had a feeling she would end up paying for the threat sooner or later.

"I will agree to talk to you, to tell you... certain things, but not now."  
"Then when?" She felt bad about pressuring him, but was pretty sure he would let her know if she went too far. That was one thing she'd learned during their time together; Loki would in no uncertain terms let you know if you've overstepped your boundaries.  
"Later today. You will give me one of your massages, and I will tell you what you wish to know. To an extent."

Very well, she could do with that. Before she had a chance to answer he flipped her around and pinned her to the bed. Yes, she was definitely going to pay for that threat.

* * *

"What's happened to you?" Steve frowned as she limped into the central kitchen, on the hunt for breakfast. Her own fridge was sadly out of eggs and she had a craving for them.  
"Nothing. Just slept funny."  
Tony chuckled.  
"Bet Horn-boy had something to do with that."  
"Shut up!"

On second thought she should have gone out to buy eggs. She just hadn't expected the kitchen to be so crowded.

Clint was sitting by the table, looking more than a little uncomfortable upon seeing her. They hadn't talked since the incident with Loki slamming him up against the wall for spreading rumours.

"Is something up?" she asked as she closed the refrigerator door and went to locate a frying pan.  
"Besides your boyfriend?"  
"Tony..."  
"We're waiting for a call," Steve informed her. "S.H.I.E.L.D. found something they might need us to deal with."  
"Are you taking Loki?" she asked, suddenly worried their talk was going to be postponed.  
"Probably not. They don't think it's anything that big."

Good. Loki only went along on missions that required his particular skill set. S.H.I.E.L.D. was still reluctant about using him for anything else, due to the risk of him being recognized.

She prepared her breakfast and sat down at the table before adding plenty of butter to her scrambled eggs.  
"Hungry?" Tony grinned and refilled his coffee mug. "You're rivalling Thor in portion size there."  
"I haven't eaten since yesterday, what do you think?" She started shoveling the food in, almost painfully hungry. It was true, she had a ridiculous craving for protein lately.

Bucky entered, looking like he came straight out of bed.  
"Are you alright?" Steve asked, sounding concerned.  
"M'fine." Bucky grumbled, flinging the refrigerator door open so harshly it almost ripped off it's hinges.  
"Hey, go easy on the appliances, Tony protested. "I'm tired of paying for everything that gets broken around here."  
"Like you can't afford it," Clint commented.  
"Stick to your arrows, Legolas! You don't even live here, just come around to eat my food and enjoy my magnificient company."  
"Are we going or not?" Bucky said, ripping a bag of bread open with way more force than necessary.  
"As soon as we get the clear," Steve assured him. "Have you slept at all?"  
"Slept enough."

Clearly Loki wasn't the only one who had struggled with dreams during the night. She knew enough about Bucky to know that his past bothered him, and might do so for the rest of his life. She had offered to help, but he was still reluctant about letting anyone near his mind and memories. She couldn't blame him.

They did end up leaving soon after, and she returned to her own floor with a fresh cup of tea in one hand. It was when she went to grab a sweater she discovered that all low-cuts and crops had mysteriously disappeared from her closet.


	25. Dreams and memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening up... one word at a time.

Her hands were moving in long, caressing strokes as she was distributing the lightly scented oil over his back. Loki's eyes were closed. He was always tense in the beginning, but less so nowadays than when they'd first started their sessions.

"How did you get this?" she asked upon touching an especially prominent scar next to his spine. It corresponded with a similar one on his chest.

"Svartalfheim," he said, sounding reluctant. "I was avenging my mother."

"Oh!" She had heard very little on that subject, and only from Thor. Loki had never brought it up in her presence. "I'm sorry about... what happened."

He grumbled something that she interpreted as not being happy with the topic, so she moved on.  
"Tell me about the nightmare!" she said softly as she began kneading his shoulders.

She immediately felt him tense up under her hands, but pretended not to notice.

After several seconds of silence he spoke:  
"It was a place where I've been before, where I'd rather not return." He took a breath and tensed his jaw. "I was... alone, locked up, although I could hear others outside."

She waited patiently, rubbing her hands over taut muscles.

"There were... voices," he continued, "and though I couldn't make out words, hearing them filled me with... dread."

His tone of voice was becoming increasingly flat, like he was distancing himself from the words uttered. It could not be easy for Loki to admit to fear, even in a dream, she realised, suddenly feeling bad for pressuring him.

"It was early on," he said. "I had made a mistake, and they wanted to punish me. I didn't know yet whether they would simply dispose of me or... teach me a lesson."

She didn't know what he meant with "early on" but didn't want to interrupt him to ask. It also sounded more and more like he was describing a memory rather than a dream; perhaps the two had merged?

Her hands were moving downwards, reaching his lower back where an odd discoloration was visible, resembling faded burn marks. Her touch made him flinch.

"I'm sorry," she said, startled by the reaction. He didn't usually flinch at her coming near that area.

"It is nothing," he dismissed, but the tension in his voice was evident. 

He was quiet for another while before continuing.  
"I learned, over time, that it was important to keep me alive, but they went to great length to test my healing ability, to know... how far... they could push."

"What did they do?" she asked, against better knowledge. Something in her wanted to know, something else wished it would all go away, to never have happened.

Loki licked his lips.  
"Many things. I will not bore you with all of them, but heat seemed to be something they favoured, since I don't take well to it."

She closed her eyes a moment, bracing herself against a sudden wave of nausea.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she said.

"I suppose you have a right to know."

Maybe she had, maybe not. Did you have a right to know everything your significant other had been through in their life? She wasn't all too sure of that. On the other hand... it could make it easier to understand them, and with Loki she often felt like she'd barely scratched the surface in knowing him.

She finished the massage and flopped down on her side next to him, tired both mentally and physically.

Loki opened his eyes and turned on his side before reaching for her, pulling her closer. He was more relaxed now, she could tell. It made her feel somewhat better.

"It's what really happened, wasn't it?" she asked with her face cradled against his neck. "You dreamt about things that actually happened."

"You will find that I often do," he said calmly. "I should not have attempted to hide it from you; you were bound to find out."

"Is... is this why you don't like being touched? Because of what they..."

"I have never been overly fond of others' hands on me, but yes, there is something to it."

"Yet you let me... You allowed me to massage you when you barely even knew me."

Loki's hand was finding it's way in under her clothes, absently rubbing her back.  
"I suppose I was... 'letting my guard down' as you call it. You didn't seem like much of a threat at the time."

She wasn't sure if she was happy or offended at being seen that way. In a tower full of people with superhuman abilities, she was probably the most harmless one, and though it shouldn't really matter it sometimes left her feeling... inadequate.

"I could have entered your mind, you know."

"Not without my knowledge, and I had it on good authority that you always ask permission for such."

She rested quietly in his embrace for a while.  
"Do I seem boring and predictable to you?"

Loki groaned and shifted slightly against her before lifting her leg to fit his own under it.  
"You do not. I will not have you think such foolish thoughts."

"Try and stop me!"

"Shh..." He captured her mouth in a kiss, effectively preventing further cheekiness.

It wasn't long before he rolled her over on her back and deftly discarded her clothing as well as what remained of his own. Their massage sessions usually ended with mutual nakedness these days, unless he simply fell asleep under her hands. Even is she was tired, and her hands aching a bit from kneading his hard muscles, it was pleasurable and did a lot to put her mind at ease.

Maybe she didn't have the same impressive powers as the others, but she did have Loki's trust and affection, and by now she was beginning to realize just how extraordinary that was.


	26. Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected visitor arrives with a request.

There was a commotion in the lounge, the voices reaching her as soon as she stepped out of the elevator. Encountering Bucky lingering aganst the wall at the entrance to the room, she asked what was going on. 

"Looks like someone returned from the dead," he commented.

_That seems to be a habit for these people._

She walked in and got her eyes on a man she'd never seen before, surrounded by Avengers. Yet there was something familiar with him, like she'd encountered his picture somewhere, or perhaps seen him on video. 

Thor was beaming with happiness, Tony was making sarcastic comments, Steve kept asking questions and Bruce looked like he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Sam was sitting on a sofa watching the whole scene with interest, and so did Clint and Natasha who seemed to be the only ones not remotely surprised by the whole thing.

Tony turned towards them where they stood:  
"You knew about this, didn't you? He's been alive the whole time and you couldn't be bothered to tell us."

The man's attention went to her almost immediately as she entered and he approached her, introducing himself as agent Phil Coulson.

_Oh..._

That rang a bell. One of the men Loki supposedly had killed during his invasion attempt. Awkward.

"I believe you are our local empath?" he said.

"Well, yes, I suppose so," she answered, wondering if there was more to it than a mere recognition of her abilities.

"There is a matter at S.H.I.E.L.D. you might be able to assist with, something a little bit outside your usual area."

"Really? What is it?" She wondered what "outside your usual area" might mean. With S.H.I.E.L.D. you could expect anything.

"A while back a group of aliens showed up in our space, bounty hunters as it turned out. The Avengers brought them in, and S.H.I.E.L.D. has been keeping them contained and questioned ever since."

Yes, she remembered that, but it was two months ago. What...

"I've been assigned the case, and I had a thought. How would you like to explore an alien mind for your research?"

Tony smoothly came to stand next to them.  
"Don't worry, I won't let them whisk you away to god-knows-where by yourself. I'll be coming along in case they decide to keep you." He winked.

Coulson smiled.  
"We have no intent on keeping you there. It's only for a briefing and assessing whether the idea is feasible to begin with. You will be brought back safely afterwards."

She should tell Loki that she was going, but he would insist on coming along, and she wasn't sure that was a good idea during the circumstances.

"Okay," she agreed, somewhat reluctantly. "When are we leaving?"

"Right at this moment, Miss."

* * *

The area the aliens were kept in was completely unfamiliar to her, and it only reminded her of what an expansive endeavour S.H.I.E.L.D. was, even now when rebuilding the organization from the root after the disaster with Hydra. There were a lot less people now, especially in the higher hierarchies, but many of their facilities were still in use. She had never set foot in this one.

"I'm usually not fond of doing this without permission," she stated, wanting to make something clear. "I only do it because it's important and a special case."

"And because they came after your boyfriend," Tony said cheerfully.

_And_ thank you _for bringing him up. I wouldn't have_ thought _of doing so myself._

She gave Tony a look of warning, but didn't dare look at agent Coulson. He must know about her relationship with Loki, Fury was not going to leave such a detail out, but it might still be a delicate subject.

Clint hadn't been overly comfortable in her presence either, looking like he waited for Loki to jump out and attack them on their way to the elevator, but he and Natasha had gone their own way once they all arrived at the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility. 

"How are you able to communicate with them?" Tony asked, referring to the bounty hunters. "They didn't seem to have that all-speak-thingy our homely little Asgardians come equipped with."

"Thor helped out in the initial interrogations," agent Coulson explained as he led them further through a corridor. "S.H.I.E.L.D. has been working on a rather advanced translation technology for some time and it has managed to give us at least rudimentary understanding of their communication."

"So you didn't get what you wanted from them," she said, "but you think I might."

"You have a sharp mind, Miss, "agent Coulson said, "and you're almost right. We think we've got everything they know, but we would like you to search their mind while they're being questioned to see if they're holding something back, consciously or otherwise."

"I'm not a telepath, you know that, right? I only sense emotions."

"As your file states," he confirmed. "This way, if you please."

The politeness was refreshing. They entered a room with a sizable glass pane, revealing a strange being on the other side, seated across a table from what looked like a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, judging from the man's clothing and posture. There was also an armed guard in the room.

"They cannot hear us," Coulson informed, pressing a square button on the console. Taking their seats facing the glass, which she guessed was a one-way mirror, she studied the alien on the other side. It was very close to the glass, so picking up it's emotions shouldn't be a problem. She needed physical proximity for some reason, preferably touch, but barriers of any kind didn't seem to matter.

Agent Coulson looked at his phone.  
"It appears somebody at Stark Tower has been trying to reach you, wanting to know your whereabouts," he said. "I'm afraid you can't call them back from here; it's an internal communication only environment."

Tony grinned.  
"Tight leash, huh?"

"There is no leash!" she objected. "He just doesn't trust S.H.I.E.L.D."

She would have some explaining to do when getting back to the tower, but there was nothing to do about it now.

As the interrogation started she focused on the alien. It wasn't that difficult to tune in, even if it's mind felt different from a human's. She began reporting her findings to agent Coulson who recorded them. A few minutes went by when suddenly the alien turned it's head towards the glass, like it was looking right at her.

_He knows I'm here._

She felt a rejection, something attempting to block her out, and carefully withdrew.

"What happened?" Coulson wanted to know.

"It... felt me." She frowned at the sense of discomfort. "He noticed what I was doing."

"Is that unusual?"

"No..., but he shouldn't have known where I was."

"Well, it wouldn't take much to figure out you were behind the glass," Tony argued. "There isn't that many places to choose from."

_"No,"_ she thought. _"He knew exactly where I was sitting."_ The glass pane was large enough to span half the room they were seated in. The alien could have looked anywhere, but his eyes, searching with a penetrating gaze, had honed in on exactly the spot where she was seated. It was uncanny. She couldn't shake the feeling it left her.


	27. Tension

"Cookies!" Tony exclaimed upon entering the kitchen.

"I swear, you have JARVIS tell on me." She tried futilely to swat his hand away. "They're not even cooled off yet!"

"All the better." He closed his eyes in exaggerated bliss as he bit into one. "You know, I could let you pay rent in these instead; you don't have to do any healing ever again."

"I like healing." She started putting the utensils into the dishwasher. "It's nice to make someone feel better, even a little bit."

"Your cookies could bring a man back from the brink of death, sweetheart. You should make a career out of this." He picked up another one, then changed his mind and took a third.

"It's only because you're not used to home-baked," she argued. "Nobody cooks around here, so you've forgotten what it tastes like."

"Good thing you're here to remind us," he said cheerfully. "How about cooking us dinner tonight?"

"Nope." She shook her head. "It's too much. Two people I can cook for, maybe three, but more just gets too overwhelming and I get stressed out. I can't do it when the whole team is here."

There was a thought though. If she made several dishes during different days and put them in the freezer, then brought it all out at once... She would have to think about that; it would be a nice thing to do for the people she cared about.

"Does this sudden baking endeavour has something to do with your little lovers' spat earlier?" Tony asked innocently.

"You were fucking listening! Shame on you!" It was true that she often baked when upset, and the argument she'd had with Loki after returning from S.H.I.E.L.D. hadn't been a pretty one.

"I absolutely did not, swear on my suits. JARVIS just happened to mention it."

"Only after you specifically asked about their state, sir," came the voice from the ceiling. "My sincere apologies for the breach of privacy, Miss."

"Thank you, JARVIS. At least somebody here understands what privacy means. Tony, I love you, but don't ever listen in to what Loki and I are doing. There are things you'd be happier not knowing about."

"You're probably right in that," Tony admitted with a sudden thoughtful look on his face. "He is treating you right, though? 'Cause if he's not..."

"It's fine," she interrupted him. "Everything is fine. He's just scared when thinking something would happen and he isn't there to protect me from it."

"Loki scared?" Tony chuckled as if the thought amused him. "I'd sure like to see that. One wouldn't think there's much of anything that could rattle his arrogant ass."

"You'd be surprised," she muttered, taking another batch of cookies out of the oven.

Tony snatched two more and started exiting the kitchen, but turned in the doorway:  
"You know, you might just be his kryptonite."

* * *

To say that Loki had been upset would be an understatement, especially when she'd told him what had happened with the alien.

She didn't want to be his kryptonite. Loki was intense as he was; she didn't need him going overboard every time he thought she was putting herself out there.

_Why does everyone insist on protecting me?_

"I'm not a child!" she snapped as she heard familar steps approaching over the kitchen floor.

Loki came up behind her, placing his hands on her arms.  
"I know you are not a child."

"Then stop treating me like one!"

"That is not the issue."

Of course not. She knew what the issue was.

"I have my own life to live. You can't go off on me every time you're worried about something!"

"And what if they had kept you there? Or that creature had found a way to reach you?"

_You would have come after me_ , she thought. Because he would. There was no doubt in her mind that Loki would stir up heaven and earth to get her back if he thought she was in danger.

But she couldn't let him keep her from going in the first place.

"There was no reason to think any of that would happen," she argued. "Tony was there. Nat and Clint were in the building. S.H.I.E.L.D. knows they can't just kidnap me without consequenses; they're not stupid."

"If they wanted to they would find a way," he said impassively. "I will not let you go again."

"Try and stop me!" She blinked back a tear. Loki was the last person she wanted to have this conversation with. 

There was a barely audible sigh and his grip on her arms tightened for a moment. Then he let go.  
"Very well, if this is what you've set your mind on." He didn't sound satisfied. "But I will go with you hereafter."

She turned around to face him.  
"You realize they won't be happy? And after what you did to Coulson..."

"You expect me to care what they think?"

No, of course not.

"Do you care what I think?" she said.

Loki's jaw tightened.  
"Have I given you reason to assume otherwise?"

"Not per se... but you're acting like I'm not my own person sometimes, almost like you own me. You weren't like that before."

He looked to the side, seemingly collecting his thoughts.  
"Would you rather go back... to what we were before?"

"No! Why would you think that?" She couldn't bear not being physically close to him anymore, it had become a part of their relationship that couldn't be replaced; a way of communication, a way to connect to Loki when nothing else worked.

She put her hands on his waist.

He looked down at her, but wouldn't meet her eyes.  
"You do not realize the danger you're exposing yourself too, and neither does S.H.I.E.L.D. Those creatures were bounty hunters, inexperienced and of little importance in the grand scheme of things; yet you're underestimating them if you don't think they can be dangerous in themselves."

"I know, but sometimes you've got to take risks, you know? Remember what I told you about open doors? If I see one I'll go through it. It's what led me to you in the first place."

She didn't want to dismiss his concern, but she had to put her foot down; there was no other way.

He finally looked at her straight, raising a hand to take her jaw between his fingers. It wasn't a hard grip, but she could feel the strength just under the surface.  
"Then you will tell me, so I can go with you. You will not leave me behind again."

"Don't worry; I won't."


	28. Mind games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another visit to S.H.I.E.L.D. where little goes as planned...

The tension remained for a few days. She wasn't sure how to make Loki understand, and she wasn't fully sure she understood _him_ either. The need for control was foreign to her; she had only ever been on the receiving end of it.

When she was asked to take a second trip to the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility Loki came along as they had agreed. Luckily Agent Coulson wasn't the one picking them up this time. Tony did go with them however, openly amused at the stares Loki was getting when the three of them wandered into the facility and quickly ended up in a deadlock with the agent assigned to bring them further into the building.

"This is a restricted..."

"Do you want my help or not?" she snapped before he could finish. "I told you people on the phone who I would bring with me. Should we just turn around and leave because you can't communicate between yourselves?"

The agent glanced uneasily at Loki who had his most dark and brooding look turned on. 

_"You're not helping,"_ she thought.

"We were thinking..." The agent swallowed nervously before continuing. "... it might be more comfortable for your company to wait here in the meantime." He indicated a couple of couches near the entrance.

"Won't happen," Tony broke in. "You had no problem letting me in last time, and if you think you can separate Reindeer Games from his dearest I will happily stand back and watch you try."

A more seasoned agent joined the first one.  
"I've spoken with Agent Coulson and Director Fury," he said after introducing himself. "You are all permitted to enter, but you will remain in the designated area; no venturing.

The last words he spoke while looking directly at Tony who made a show of looking offended.

"We are aware of your reputation, Mr. Stark," the agent stated calmly. "You are also prohibited from touching any electronic equipment."

"Can you believe this?" Tony whispered as they started walking. "They're more worried about me than about Rock of Ages. That hurts."

"They're worried about both of you," she corrected. "You're not known for following rules, any of you."

She stole a glance at Loki, but he seemed focused on their surroundings, taking in every detail.

They were led to a different room than last time. A stern man greeted them, introducing himself as Agent Stiller.

"I'm in charge of this... experiment." He indicated a seat at the table. "Agent Coulson has requested your presence. I believe the details were given over the phone."

"They were." She sat down, feeling less than comfortable in the spartan space. There were only three chairs at the table. Loki and Tony lingered by the wall, both declining Stiller's suggestion that they'd wait outside.

As much as she enjoyed the company of her two favourite people, they acted like her personal guard and it felt ridiculous.

What had been agreed on over the phone was to take things a step further, having her actually sitting in during a conversation with the alien. She had thought Loki would throw another fit, but he had been surprisingly accepting. There was no doubt in her mind that he was on edge though; she could tell from his expression alone.

Two armed guards escorted the prisoner inside, one of whom stayed in the room. It was a different alien from last time, and she felt a small sense of relief. The previous experience had rattled her more than she wanted anyone to know, and she had been nervous about facing the same being again.

At least this time she was prepared.

Once the alien was seated on the other side of the table, Stiller took the chair next to hers and turned on a device that she identified as a translator.

It was several minutes in that the alien began to pay more attention to her.

"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" she asked him.

Stiller eyed them both but let the alien answer.  
"Reading mind," came the translation.

"Your emotions, yes. Does it bother you?"

"Petty Earthling do no harm."

_Arrogant, are we?_

She glanced at Loki but the only sign of a reaction was a slight narrowing of his eyes.

"That's good; then you don't have to worry about it."

The aliens penetrating gaze unnerved her, but no more than she could handle. She didn't sense any hostility; more apprehension, like it was still trying to figure her out. There was something underneath it though, something she couldn't quite define.

The subtle feeling of unease grew as the talk went on between the alien and agent Stiller. Something was _wrong_ , she just couldn't put her finger on it.  
It reminded her of...

Stiller closed the folder before him, a sign that they were done. The guard who had been waiting by the door put his weapon away and began removing the chain that tied the prisoner to the table. Then everything happened really quickly. The alien threw himself over the table and against her so violently her chair was slammed backwards into the floor. A hand wrapped around her throat, claw-like nails digging into her skin. Suddenly visions of her assault not so long ago flooded her mind.

It was over in a moment; the alien screaming as a blade cut through it's hand and the cracking sound of a neck being broken. Loki dropped the limp body on the floor and wiped his dagger.

Stiller and the guard were staring, trying to process what just happened. Tony pulled her to her feet.  
"You alright there, Cookie?" 

"I'm... I'm fine."

Stiller finally found his voice.  
"Who the hell gave you the right to kill that prisoner?"

Loki gave him a cold look.  
"He wouldn't have told you anything, if that's what you're concerned about."

"You don't know that!"

Loki ignored him. Putting his dagger away he stepped over the body on the floor and tilted her chin up to examine her neck.

"I'm alright," she said, flinching at his fingers sliding over the tender marks. "He didn't try to kill me, he..."

"Are you sure of that?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Could have fooled me. And you people..." He turned to the agent and the guard. "You really need to work on your security."

"That's not it," she persisted. "He was trying to get into my mind. Just like I do, but the other way around."

"Attacking you," Loki concluded. He withdrew his hand but wrapped an arm firmly around her shoulders instead.

"He used my own thoughts against me."

Loki gave Stiller another look.  
"You wouldn't think of informing us about that particular ability before subjecting her to it? Or was that the whole reason you called her in here? To see what would happen when two mind-wielders confront each other?"

Stiller frowned.  
"I don't know what you're talking about. They've never shown any ability like that."

"You've had them two months and you completely missed that they can read our minds and twist them back at us?" Tony looked unimpressed. 

"There's no indication of that," the agent insisted, "never has been. I think your empath is confused about what happened, and I can't say I blame her."

_Oh, here we go._

"There is nothing to be confused about," she said. "I felt it, clear as day. He triggered some sort of emotional switch in me, and my worst memory came to mind."

"Yes, I'm sure it felt that way," Stiller said with dismissal in his tone. "An attack like you just experienced..."

"That's it," Tony interrupted him. "We're leaving. Tell Coulson I'll have a chat with him later. I want to know what he has to say about this."

They walked out to the car. She found herself shaking and slightly nauseated, but tried not to show it. Loki kept his grip on her and only let her go long enough to get into the vehicle. His silence was disconcerting.

The nausea got worse. She was barely out of the car before she heaved. It would have been humiliating had she not felt too sick to care.

Loki scooped her up in his arms and carried her inside. Tony gave her worried looks.  
"JARVIS, have Bruce meet us at the infirmery."

"As you wish, sir. Is there any information he may need beforehand?"

"Only that she was attacked by one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s aliens and got sick. We don't know what else is going on here."

Loki's familiar grip was somewhat soothing, but it didn't help much against the discomfort she felt. Memories crossed her mind, from the recent assault to disturbing childhood situations. It was hard to tell them apart; things she had carefully tucked away in her mind, and not thought about for ages, were suddenly calling for attention.

Loki put her down on a bed and the change in position made her want to turn her stomach inside out again, but she managed to hold it in.

"What are these?" Bruce asked, poking at the marks on her neck.

"He tried to strangle her," Tony informed him. "Reindeer Games pulled him off."

"They don't look fingershaped," Bruce said, adjusting his glasses and poking some more. "They're inflamed and there's..." He reached for an instrument and scraped something off her neck. "Something sharp and pointed went through the skin here."

"His nails," she mumbled, feeling another twitch in her gut. "I felt them."

"There's a weird color to those marks. It might be an allergic reaction, but I've never seen one quite like it."

"Venom?" Tony looked even more concerned.

"Possibly. I'll have it analysed. JARVIS, could you take some pictures of this, maybe?"

"Certainly, Dr. Banner."

She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. The embarrassement was bad, the memories that kept creeping up worse, and the urge to vomit resurfaced every few minutes. This was not how she'd expected this day to go.

"I can't give her anything before I know what's in her system," she heard Bruce argue with Tony. Loki's hand was resting on her forehead, pleasantly cool. A soothing sensation seemed to radiate from it. Maybe she imagined it, but she started feeling fuzzy and the nausea was becoming more bearable by the minute. She began drifting off.


	29. Aftertalks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovering from the ordeal.

She woke up to a quiet room. Agent Coulson was standing by the window.

"Feeling better?" he asked and moved to a chair next to the bed.

"I think so..." She made a careful move. The nausea seemed to be gone, and so were the memories.

"I'd like to apologize for what happened," Coulson said. "It was not something we in any way had foreseen or I would have taken measures to prevent it."

"You've been questioning them for two months."

"With very little result, I'm afraid. There hasn't been any indication of the kind of ability they displayed with you there."

"I see." She wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. Agent Coulson seemed trustworthy, but Loki's accusation of a deliberate set-up wasn't far-fetched. It was S.H.I.E.L.D., after all. They played by their own rules.

"Is Loki in trouble?" she asked.

Coulson shook his head.  
"I don't think so. There will be an investigation,of course, but from the footage I saw his actions can be justified. It looks like he stopped an attempt on your life."

"He did." The alien hadn't tried to kill her, but she was the only one who had known it at the time. "I know there are people at S.H.I.E.L.D. who don't like having him around. They could use this as an argument against him."

"Yes," the agent agreed, "but they also know better than to squander a useful alliance over something like this. I wouldn't worry if I were you."

What he said made sense. There were bigger things at play than a dead prisoner.

"I'm sorry to bring up Loki," she said. "I know what he did; I don't mean to be insensitive or anything."

Coulson waved a hand dismissively.  
"Don't worry about it. I have been informed of your relationship."

The door opened, Bruce entering before the conversation could become more awkward.

"JARVIS said you were awake." He approached the bed. "Loki put you to sleep and you've been out for about two hours. How do you feel?"

"Uhm... better, I think.

She let him do his doctor thing, answering questions as he checked her over.

"You had a foreign toxin in your system. We're still analysing it, but it seems to dissipate rather quickly." He drew another blood sample for good measure.

"It made me feel... recall bad memories."

"What kind?"

"I'd... rather not talk about it, just telling you so you know."

Bruce nodded.  
"Might be a compound that targets your neurotransmittors."

Agent Coulson was listening intently.  
"I would very much like to see the report when you're done with that analysis," he said.

Bruce tucked away his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"You're not the only one. We'll share the results as soon as we have them, but it may take a while. Tony isn't keen on letting S.H.I.E.L.D. get their hands on the samples before we've explored all possibilities ourselves."

The agent smiled knowingly at that. She got the feeling he was used to Tony's way of doing things.

"Can I get out of bed?" she asked when it looked like Bruce was about to leave.

"I think you'd better stay till we know how much of the toxin is left in your bloodstream. It shouldn't take long."

She chatted a bit with Agent Coulson but there wasn't much to add to the conversation. He finally left and Loki entered five minutes later.

He leaned over to kiss her before moving the chair next to the head-end of the bed.

"Are you angry?" she found herself asking when he hadn't spoken for a while.

Loki moved his eyes from the wall he'd been staring into and looked at her.  
"Should I not be?"

"Well..."

"They dragged you into a situation they had insufficient knowledge about just to see what would happen. They did nothing when you were attacked and ended up insulting your powers. You don't think I should be angry?"

She breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wasn't angry at her.  
"I don't blame you; I just wondered. I'm angry too, mostly about that dick who didn't take me seriously, but I'm used to it." She didn't comment on the "did nothing" part. Humans were slower than Asgardians, but she doubted that Loki wanted to be reminded of that right now. "They said you put me to sleep."

"I did. You were suffering and they did nothing."

She decided to sit up. Even if she wasn't leaving the bed she wanted to know what her body was capable of at the moment. Beyond a rumble in her stomach everything seemed to be in working order.  
"You didn't bring any food, by any chance?"

Loki rose an eyebrow.  
"You are hungry now?"

"It's been a while." Two hours of sleep and before that... No, she hadn't eaten since before going to SHIELD. "Would you mind getting me something from the kitchen? Chinese from yesterday if there is any left; just something quick I can snack on."

Loki rolled his eyes but went.

He came back with the left-overs and she wolfed it all down.

"If you're trying to put on weight I don't think that is needed."

She looked up.  
"Are you calling me fat?"

"I am not. I'm merely stating that your form is quite satisfying as is; there is no need to change it."

"I'm not trying to change anything. I'm just hungry." She continued stuffing food into her mouth. "You know mortal women have a hormon cycle that goes around once a month. Some days we..."

"I am quite aware. There is no need for a lecture."

He should be aware by now, she thought. Not that periods had ever deterred him or anything.

"I'm just saying that appetite varies. It's no big deal."

"Hmm."

The conversation, if you could call it that, was slow and awkward. She wanted to reach out but didn't know how. They had always done well just being silent in each others' presence but this felt different, like the air between them was slowly crystallizing into a wall.

"It could have killed you," Loki suddenly said. "Whether or not it being the intention there is no manner in which to predict a mortal's reaction to such a substance."

She had a bad feeling that Loki would have gone on a rampage through S.H.I.E.L.D. if that had been the case.

"I suppose. Do you think it was evolved as some kind of defence mechanism?"

"Possibly. Their species is not one I have encountered, in person or otherwise."

* * *

The substance in her blood turned out to be an organic neurotoxin, but it's exact properties were yet to be explored.

Since all signs of physical discomfort seemed to be gone she was allowed out of bed by evening and she spent it watching TV, with Loki lounging on the couch, his long legs draped over her lap. She took some comfort in the contact, even though they barely talked. At least they were together.


	30. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your secret's out in the worst possible way.

Beyond the latest happenings, Tony had a pet project that he claimed to have close to perfected and wanted to show off. As it happened she and Loki where the only ones in the tower at the moment, so he had insisted they witness the tests.

The device in question, he claimed, would generate a force field capable of concentrating enough cold to immobilize a target. He was still looking for ways to increase the size, but so far the field was large enough to contain up to three people, robots, aliens or whatever needed to be incapacitated, without any of the cold spilling out beyond its borders. He was quite giddy, and she did her best to appear interested even if she didn't understand half of the terms used.

"The next thing to work on is to aim it properly," he explained. "I still need to adjust the coordinates so the field goes where I want it to, and doesn't end up freezing our own people by accident."

"Is it deadly?" she asked with some concern. Tony was the best at what he did, but he sometimes overestimated how close to perfection his inventions were.

"Not at this setting. It's meant to incapacitate, nothing more. You may pass out for a while, I haven't tested it on humans yet, but there shouldn't be any lasting damage."

That didn't sound completely reassuring. She backed closer to the wall just in case. 

Loki seemed unimpressed.  
"Why cold?" he asked.

"It's efficient," Tony said. "Make it cold enough and you can slow down living beings and machinery alike. Leaves no toxic residue behind, and it's easily available if you find a way to focus it."

"So you think you've found such a way?"

"I _know_ I've found it. Just watch this!" He turned on the device, excited like a child on Christmas, and a test robot near the middle of the room slowly started frosting over, all movements coming to a halt. When done they approached to measure the temperature and inspect the damage.

"I admit it seems to work," Loki stated, which was as close to an approval you were likely to get from him.

"I see commercial uses for this as well," Tony said. "Let's do another run, shall we?"

He had the robot removed and replaced with other items. It was by the third time something went wrong and the force field didn't land where it was supposed to. It hit Loki.

He cursed and jumped aside, but something happened. Something none of them could have foreseen.

Loki's skin, his hands and face as far as they could see, but probably the rest of him as well, took on a blue color, with linear markings of some kind, and his eyes turned a shocking hue of red.

"What the hell...?" Tony said.

Loki seemed unaware at first, confused at their reactions, then looked down and discovered his hands. He looked utterly horrified.

"What did you do?" she gasped, staring at the sight. "What the fuck happened?"

"I have no idea," came Tony's voice faintly. "Reindeer Games, are you alright?"

Loki looked up, eyes on Tony.  
"Stark..." The fury in his voice was so prominent it resembled a growl.

"I didn't do it on purpose, I swear!" Tony put his palms in the air, backing up against the wall.

"Loki!" She tried calling his attention, hoping to diffuse the situation before it escalated, and he turned towards her.

For a moment she couldn't think of what to say. He was so... alien-looking. Quite beautiful if she were to be honest, but so different from his usual looks, so different from anything she'd ever seen. 

Not giving her a chance to get used to it, Loki turned on his feet and walked, almost ran, out of the lab, turning over a small table with tools in the process. The quiet that followed was deafening.

It took Tony half a minute to scramble into action:  
"JARVIS, can you tell me anything about Loki's medical status at the moment?" he asked.

"It appears Mr. Loki's body temperature is lower than normal, otherwise there is no observable sign of injury."

"So what the hell happened?"

"I'm afraid I don't have enough data to properly analyze the situation. I suggest this unexpected effect has something to do with Mr. Loki's alien physiology.

"No shit! He's a smurf." Tony turned to her: "Do you have any clue here? " 

She could only shake her head.  
"It's your invention! It did something to him."

"I can't fathom what. It's only cold. Nobody turns _that_ blue from being cold."

"Maybe JARVIS is right," she suggested. "Maybe it's an Aesir thing. I'll try asking him when he calms down."

* * *

That turned out to be difficult. Loki wouldn't answer his door. She knew he was in there, JARVIS confirmed it, but he had apparently decided to ignore her. She put her ear to the wood, but couldn't hear anything. Thinking he needed more time to calm down, she left for a while and tried later. Same result. Not a sign of life, no acknowledgment that she was there knocking. It was unsettling, and she didn't understand why he acted like this. Anyone would be in shock from seeing their own body change color, but his reaction went beyond that. Something was missing; some vital piece of information she needed to understand what had happened.

It was Thor who finally came down with an answer. He came back the next morning after being away, and she cornered him almost the moment he entered the tower. Tony wasn't far behind, having been alerted to the thunder god's arrival.

"Loki's locked himself up and won't talk to anyone," she blurted out.

"There was an accident in the workshop," Tony explained and started laying out the events of the previous afternoon. Thor listened with unease, but he didn't seem as shocked as they had been when the story concluded.

"There are reasons for this," he stated with a look of concern.

"I would love to hear them," Tony said.

They went into another room for more privacy before Thor was willing to talk and even then he did so with great hesitation, like he was betraying a confidence. 

"Loki was adopted when he was very young," he began, "but not from our realm. He's of a people called Frost Giants, or Jotuns. They look... the way you describe."

"So why doesn't he always look like that?" she had to ask. "And why did it show now?"

"He wears a glamour that hides his true form. It's inherent; he wasn't aware of his heritage until a few years ago and it caused him a lot of distress to find out. As I understand it takes severe cold to remove the glamour and show him as he truly is." 

Thor looked more than a little uncomfortable at the thought, but to her, it started making sense. Loki's slightly lower body temperature; his kisses, touch. No matter how intense the moment he would remain cool. When she massaged his muscles and the warmth of his skin barely increased... She had thought it peculiar but attributed it to him being of another race, and soon gotten used to it.

His reaction in the workshop when they saw him change...

Thor continued talking, his eyes lowered like the words burdened him.  
"Frost giants are old enemies of Asgard. In our realm they are seen as monsters. Brutal, uncultured savages. When Loki found out... He didn't take it well. I wasn't there when it happened, but he spiraled out of control, tried to destroy the entire realm of Jotunheim to prove himself. When I returned we fought; I tried to stop him and I had to destroy the Bifrost before an entire people would be obliterated."

There were details lacking but he said enough to paint a picture she could understand. 

"We both fell," Thor continued. "I was pulled up, but Loki... let go. He just let go and fell into the void, like he'd rather die than..."

There were tears in his eyes, and he struggled to continue. This was a wound that had never healed, and she started to get an idea of what was playing between the two brothers; what was at the core of their strained relationship.

"We thought him lost. He was gone for almost a year and there wasn't a day when I didn't think about him, wished him back... Then he showed up on Midgard to steal the Tesseract, and he was changed. He was... not the same person anymore."

"So what happened to him while he was gone?" she asked. "Why did he change so much?"

"I do not know. He allied with the Chitauri as you are aware, but I know little of how that came about, why he would do such a thing. And he will not tell."

Of course not. Loki wouldn't tell anything about himself if he could avoid it. He took the term "private person" to a whole new level. 

"He has not revealed any of this to you?" Thor interrupted her thinking. 

She shook her head.  
"Nothing. But it explains quite a bit." Especially Loki's reaction when they saw his transformation in the workshop. He clearly didn't want that secret revealed, and now it was too late. She ached to talk to him, but it was impossible when he wouldn't even speak to her. She would have to try again.

* * *

"Loki, please! Can't you just let me in?" She sat outside his rooms for what seemed like hours with no result to show for it. "Can't you just talk to me? Through the door, at least." She felt tears on her face. Two days of refusing contact. It was worse than after the time they had accidentally woken up cuddling in bed and he'd avoided her after. Then she hadn't been emotionally invested yet, or tried to contact him just to be refused. This was like hitting her head against a wall, and just as painful.

She wiped her tears.

_You don't have to love me, but you could at least answer me._


	31. You are My Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When separation is taking its toll somebody decides to interfere... and something most unexpected may have happened.

Tony walked in on Loki in the kitchen after midnight. So that explained it. Even alien gods had to eat and if he didn't leave his rooms in the daytime, night was the only remaining option, with everyone soundly asleep and out of the way. Well, almost everyone.

"So there you are."

Loki slowly turned around to face him, eyes narrowing dangerously. He didn't look good, Tony noticed; like he hadn't slept or taken care of himself properly since the incident with the force field. Frankly, Loki looked like shit, but Tony couldn't find it in him to feel sympathetic at the moment. 

"I hope you're proud of yourself," he said.

Loki didn't answer but his face hardened, a subtle warning in itself. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Tony knew he would be better off wearing a suit for this conversation but there wasn't time to get it and his patience was running out big time.  
"Not that you deserve it, but you have a girlfriend out there who is devastated because you won't talk to her," he continued. "That woman is probably the kindest, least judgmental person you will ever see, and if you want to throw that away it's your loss...but at least have the decency to break it off properly. Go tell her to her face that you don't want her anymore. Don't leave her hanging like a damn coward!"

Loki's fists flexed and tightened, but he didn't move.  
"If you value your life, Stark..."

Tony was many things. Stupid was not one of them. Reckless maybe, but not stupid, and the glimpse in Loki's eyes was one he hadn't seen since a certain, close to fatal, encounter during the Chitauri attack.

"No worries; I've said everything I had to say." He backed out of the kitchen, intending to return where he'd come from, but hadn't walked far before hearing the sound of what could only be an Asgardian fist slamming through the kitchen wall. Tony sighed.

Oh well, he'd have JARVIS call the repair crew in the morning. It was worth it.

* * *

She woke up to adjust the pillow and turn around, only to discover that she wasn't alone. 

There was no telling how long he'd been sitting there, melting into the shadows, breathing so quietly she could barely hear it. It was like he was trying to make himself invisible; though not using magic illusion this time, so a part of him still wanted to be found.

With a mix of relief and apprehension, she sat up next to him.

"So now you know," Loki said. He was slowly fidgeting with his hands, not looking at her.

"Thor told me what it meant," she said, "but only because I asked him. He said you're not originally Asgardian."

"It repulsed you." There was no emotion in his voice and it was a statement, not a question.

"No! Why would you think that?"

"I saw how you looked at me. Don't attempt to deny it."

"I didn't..." This felt like thin ice; she needed to choose her words carefully. "I thought you were hurt, actually. And I was shocked because I didn't know what I was seeing. I'm so used to you looking like this..." She took his hand in her own, stroking his fingers. "I never knew there was anything else."

"And now you know; it was all a lie."

"I don't think of it as a lie," she said carefully. "People always have things they don't share with others. We haven't known each other very long, when you think about it. There's a lot you don't know about me either."

He huffed but didn't pull his hand away.  
"I highly doubt your secrets are anywhere near the likes of mine."

"Does it matter? You mean a lot to me, whether you have secrets or not. I don't see how this changes anything."

Loki stayed quiet, as if processing what she was saying.

"And when you lie beneath me and you close your eyes, what will you see?" He looked at her in the dark, defiantly clenching his jaw. "Will you think of what I truly am and grow cold towards me while hoping I will not notice?"

"Loki, I don't find it repulsive; I just need to get used to it." She intertwined her fingers with his, trying to get through to him with touch as much as with words. "I do love you; is that so hard to believe?"

"Why?" he lashed out. "Why doesn't it bother you who I am, what I did? Your precious S.H.I.E.L.D. are using me when they see fit but don't dare reveal who I am for the wrath of these mortals, were they to find out. Yet, you know and claim you don't care?"

"I care, I just... I care more about you, to be honest. If that makes me a bad person or a traitor in some people's eyes I just have to live with it." She thought back at Clint's words and at the assault. A traitor, yes. A whore even.

_"Do you think you can fix him or something?"_

_"If you find aliens so exciting you must be a kinky little slut."_

Even more people would see her that way once the truth was out. The whole truth.

"I can't do anything about what others think," she said, "but it doesn't have to affect what I feel about you. I've never been good at... doing what everybody else does; I kind of see things from odd angles. It's not something I can help; it's the way I work."

Loki stayed silent for some time after her awkward explanation. She wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign, if she had managed to convey what she wanted or not.

"I am nothing like you," he finally said. "You are caring, kind... accepting. Everything I am not. They all love you... almost as much as they hate me."

"I don't think they hate you anymore; they're just wary..."

Loki continued like he hadn't heard.  
"I was told less than an hour ago that I don't deserve you, that I should end this courtship so not to keep you suffering."

"Who...?"

"Yet, when I come here, I... I watch you sleep and I cannot..." He leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh. "If you ask me to leave I will do so and you will see no more of me, but I will first hear you say that it is your wish."

"No! No, you know I don't want that." She held on to his hand, worried that he might suddenly get up and walk out. She wouldn't be able to handle that. Not now. "Loki, you're my _best friend_ , whether we sleep together or not. You can't believe that I don't want you here. I've missed you so much I don't know how to say it."

"Have you now?" He shifted to finally face her, lifting her chin before touching his forehead to hers, their noses caressing. "You are my weakness," he whispered. "I should leave before you come to harm because of me, but I seem to find myself unable to do so." He kissed her with a softness barely concealing the hunger beneath.

Her empathic sense picked up his tension like it was a real physical presence.

She should not be reading him without consent, but there was no active intrusion on her part, more like a natural flow of emotion she would have to make a conscious effort to block. She chose not to. This time... was too important. There was no room for guessing, for making mistakes.

Instead, she kissed him back.

"Don't lock me out again."

With a swift movement, he lifted her down on the bed, wrapping his arms around her in a hard, almost painful, grip. The next moment his clothes were gone, his skin making contact with her own. It was a familiar sensation, one she had wondered when to feel again.

She slipped her fingers through his hair, feeling the tiny braids he had begun to wear to keep it better in place. As much as Loki hated to get wayward hair in his face, she secretly loved the way it softened his looks. She'd always suspected that being the very reason he so vehemently insisted on slicking it back.

Appearance. So important.

There was no slow seduction this time, not much preparation, and he wasn't exactly careful but she did her best to keep up. Feeling him inside felt like closure, like reconnecting, and the physical discomfort mattered a lot less than it maybe should have.

There was just one thing...

"Loki..." she said as he finally stilled in her embrace. "There's something you should know."

"Mmm?"

"I think I might be pregnant."


	32. Doubt and Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Research is being done and insecurities coming to the surface.

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"No, I'm not. That's the thing; I only realized it today and haven't had a chance to... to..." She ran out of words.

Loki was watching her in the dark, his face unreadable.

_"I think I might be pregnant"_

This was not expected. At all. He was from another planet, for fuck's sake. Not even the same...

"I didn't think it could happen," she said.

"So why do you think it did?"

"Because I haven't had, you know, my period when I should? I thought it was just stress, and I'm not exactly regular under normal circumstances, but it's been over two weeks now. That's not normal."

"And what else?"

"I'm hungry all the time. And I crave things like meat and eggs and protein and whatnot. It's... not normal either."

Loki pursed his lips, looking thoughtful. He didn't seem upset, but beyond that, she couldn't tell what was going through his mind.

That's what worried her the most.

That she couldn't tell.

He slowly withdrew from her embrace but not by much. Leaning on an elbow he let his hand wander down from her chest till it settled on her lower belly.  
"It is unlikely," he said, but there was a slight frown on his face. "However..." His fingers drew circles on her skin. "If it is as you suspect; what would you do about it?"

"I'm... not sure." She hadn't even thought that far. "I suppose I need to think about it."

"Hmm..."

"Are you angry?" she asked, unsettled by his calm reaction.

"Is there a reason I should be? It is mine, is it not?"

"Yes, of course! I meant..."

Loki's hand was still on her belly, softly caressing it. There was a faint green glow around his fingers now, something she'd come to associate with his magic.

"What are you doing?"

"I am trying to sense if it's true."

"You can do that?"

Apparently, he could. When the glow finally faded he pulled her closer again, wrapping the covers around them both.  
"You should sleep," he said.

"Did you find anything?"

"It is too early to be fully certain, but you are most likely carrying a child, yes."

_Fuck!_

"Loki..."

"Shh; first you will sleep. I have kept you awake long enough."

She tried to protest, thinking it impossible to fall asleep now, but he simply touched her brow and everything faded away.

* * *

Loki was gone when she woke up but she was tucked in carefully, in a way she couldn't have done on her own, and she told herself he wouldn't have made the effort if he didn't care.

Still, her hands were trembling while sorting out her clothes and getting dressed. He had been too calm, too collected. She had expected him to... what? She wasn't sure but anything but this.

She cursed herself for not having thought it through before taking for granted that it couldn't happen. Loki might be of another planet, another species entirely, but still... there were many similarities. She should at least have considered the possibility.

_Careless. Can't you do anything right? Can't you think before you act?_

The words stung. Carefully tucked away, uttered by people long gone, they shouldn't have an impact on her anymore. Yet, they did.

_You're not trying hard enough._

She blinked away the tears. Trying was all she'd ever done; it just wasn't enough.

* * *

Loki didn't return until evening and then it was via the Bifrost.

"Big entrance, much?"

"Quiet, Stark. I have no time for your nonsense."

Loki swept past Tony without a second glance, only stopping when he caught sight of her in the doorway.

"Where have you been?" she asked, both relieved and nervous to see him back.

"I have been doing some research. Come with me!"

He pulled her along to his rooms and cast a spell to shut out any listening ears, then conjured a few books that he carefully placed on the nearest surface.  
"I spent the morning studying mortal pregnancy and fetal development but needed Asgard's library for the rest."

_The rest?_

"So, uh... what did you find?"

"It appears there are no recorded instances of Jotun and mortal interbreeding. This isn't surprising considering the limited contact as well as the unlikeliness of a mortal surviving such interaction." He flipped through one of the books. "It is accepted knowledge, however, that Aesir and mortals could produce offspring under optimal circumstances. My... present form would thus have made it possible."

She peeked over his arm but the text was unreadable, the letters as foreign as could be. An image caught her attention instead.  
"That's a frost giant?"

"As you can see."

"They're bigger than I thought."

"I believe you've only seen one and I am not exactly representative." His tone was dry.

"I didn't get a long look either. How come you... I mean..." She realized she had spoken without thinking again.

"If you wonder why I'm of smaller stature there is no answer beyond nature's cruel joke. I believe that to be the reason my so-called father discarded me."

_Ouch!_

"I'm so sorry."

Loki didn't answer but she felt him tense. Clearly, a sensitive subject.

Gently, she placed a hand on his back instead of speaking further.

"There are some concerns," he continued, "about what happens after conception. Mortal pregnancies, for one, are considerably shorter than Aesir ones. There are also differences in the development of certain organs, some of which they don't even share."

"That sounds like it could be a problem."

"Indeed. There is a substantial risk for such a pregnancy to terminate early. What makes it even more complicated is that I wasn't born with this form. As you have seen, it is more of a glamour."

Not sure what a glamour was, she decided to look it up later.

"It's not a total change, you mean?"

"It is not. We would not know if my... original essence might influence the child in some manner."

He sounded matter-of-factly about it all but the fact that he had put a day's effort into researching the subject was telling. 

"It's not a child yet," she commented.

"I am aware and this may not be something you wish to subject yourself to." His voice turned grim. "I will not hold it against you if you decide against it."

Now, this had all gone in a direction she hadn't expected.

"And if I go along with it?"

Loki was quiet for a while, rubbing his thumb against the other hand's fingers.  
"I suppose I would be honored, though you may well end up hating me in the end."

"I couldn't hate you! I thought... You actually want this?"

"As I said, I would be honored, were you willing to carry my child. Is that so hard to believe?"

Oy! This was _definitely_ not what she'd expected.

"No... I mean..." She struggled to form her thoughts into words. "Most guys wouldn't be happy hearing that they made somebody pregnant by accident. I thought you might... run."

Loki frowned.  
"Do you think so little of me?"

"Where I come from it's not uncommon."

It wasn't. She had seen more than enough of bad reactions to guys getting their girlfriends knocked up. At least Loki wasn't likely to get violent.

"I was not aware," he said, "that this was common in your world."

"Not everywhere," she said quickly, "but in some places, yes."

He nodded.  
"I believe I understand your reluctance. I would, however, not leave you for such a reason."

She took a deep breath.  
"I wouldn't leave you for being a 'frost giant' either. Can you believe me when I say that?"

Loki hesitated, his eyes narrowing.  
"Very well," he said finally, "I suppose we have to learn to trust each other in these matters.


End file.
